


blue eyed monster

by puritycomplex



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: 16 or 17. one of them, Angst, Annoying Girl, Character Death, Killua is gay, M/M, Murder, Romance, but they are unlikable so its ok, flustered boys, gon fucking snaps, gon is too, gon makes a friend, haha - Freeform, itll take a while to get there though, killua is really jealous, killua snaps first though, soft, the friend gon makes is an oc, they are 16, they swear, wait they might be 17? idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puritycomplex/pseuds/puritycomplex
Summary: This is literally just a roleplay i’m doing with my friend. She writes Killua, and I weite Gon. We both write Erika at some point. Any mistakes should be ignored, please. Also this description sucks I promise our writing is better than this summary. Also?? the title is a play on words type thing. sorta. green eyed monster is a jealous person but Kil has blue eyes so... idkAfter four years of being friends with Killua, Gon finds another friend. The friend, on the surface, seemed quite nice. Killua and her didn’t really get along, though. The friend, who’s name is Erika (mistakingly referred to as Eliza, occasionally), helps Gon realize and sort his feelings out for Killua.Killua gets really jealous of Erika.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just an ongoing roleplay done on discord!!  
> ```messaged formatted like this are texts!```  
> *and messages like this imply emphasis*

A short, dark haired boy, was laying on his bed. He was stomach down, with his legs bent and kicking lightly, purely out of the need to move that this boy had. He almost always had energy, and he had to expel it somehow, even when he was supposed to be resting. His forearms propped him up, so that he could comfortably look at the phone he had in his hands. There was a small grin on his face as he read the messages coming through. 

Recently, Gon had started talking to a girl around his age. Her name was Erika, and he and her *really* hit it off. She was just so sweet! Something about having your energy replicated and shown back to you was just so endearing. But, Erika wasn’t Gons only friend. In fact, Gon had *many* friends. But his personal favorite is the white haired assassin he met when doing his hunter exam. Killua! Gon was texting him, too. 

```hey hey killua !! what are you up to?```

Okay, *now* Gon was talking to Killua. A conversation had to be started for it to be true. And now? bam boom! Conversation started.  
Killua and Gon had been friends for many years. It felt like they were destined to be by each others side, and it also felt like they had known each other for forever. At least, that’s Gons outlook on it. Gon really thought greatly of Killua, and he enjoyed the time they’ve shared. Maybe Erika could join them on their adventures... the idea of that filled Gon with much joy. Erika has already been informed of Killua’s existence (because gon never shuts the fuck up abt killua. faggot.), but it wasn’t the other way around. yet. 

Killua, a white haired teenage boy, was a bit of an introvert. Scratch that, he was one. From his childhood, unless he had a job to fulfill, staying at home was encouraged. He had his hobbies. Video games, collecting toys, training. So it wasnt like he was lazy or hated people. Well, he did hate some.. but socializing wasnt an obstacle he couldnt overcome, at a basic level, atleast. Though he didnt actively look to do it, and he didnt like it. Gon was basically the exact opposite. Killua paused his game and sighed, leaning back on the pile of pillows behind him. He squinted his eyes at first, the blue light emitting from his tv screen irritating them, especially with contrast of the darkness that was his room. Eventually he let his eyes close completely, and let his mind wonder. Gon. It always came to that one person. Gon, the bright socialite. Gon, the happy-go-lucky kid. Gon, the hero.

He smiled to himself softly. Gon, his friend. Ever since Killua met him, he realized something. Prior to their friendship, his life was so dark. It was colorless- it was depressing. A life of an assassin is one that is bland, because at any moment, it might be thrown away with. Gone, blown out like a candle. Of course, any good trained assassin wouldnt mind this. It was the only way they knew how to live. Care about no one, not even yourself- live a boring life while being nothing but a tool to use for murder. But, when he met Gon? Oh, that all changed. For the better, of course. A bright light had bursted into Killua's life. It brought happiness and color. It brought meaning. Killua never knew life could be so *happy*...

Therefore, he valued Gon like a treasure. Gon was his first friend and basically his only one. They were close, too. After being on so many adventures, how could they not be? Whem Killua was around him, thought about him, anything- he felt that light that Gon emitted so well. It was warm and cozy. He loved it. He loved him.

He looked at his phone when he heard the notification, and felt his heart flutter a bit at the message. Why? He felt stupid. It was just a conversation starter! Yet he couldnt help it. Quickly, he texted back.

```Nothing much. Taking a break from video games. What about you?```

Gon stared patiently at his screen, waiting for a response from the other. The wait wasn’t long at all, though. Almost as soon as the message was sent, Killua was already responding. This made Gon grin like a stupid idiot in love- not that he was in love or anything!! He was pretty sure Killua was just a friend, and that Killua didn’t have feelings for him. After all, if Killua like-liked Gon, wouldn’t he have said something by now? Hoping for some form of relationship with Killua was useless in Gons mind. As determined as he might be, he knows damn well he can’t force people to feel a certain way. So? Gon has decided to just not have feelings for Kill. Plus, Gon doesn’t like men! It’s okay to like guys, but Gon isn’t one of the people who do. Totally. 

Anyways, Gon stared intently as his phone, waiting for the other male to send his message. The few seconds of anticipation felt like hours. And yet, Gon continued to stare, unblinking, and unphased by anything else going on. When the message finally came through, he kicked his legs in excitement. Talking to Killua made him so happy! He had never felt this elated when talking to anyone else. The flutter he’d get in his heart was a Killua only type thing. 

Gon lightly shook his head and furrowed his brows, focusing on typing and responding quickly. Making Killua wait wasn’t an option! Well, it was, but it was an option that was completely ignored. It’s not that Gon would get in trouble if he didn’t respond immediately, he just didn’t like making Killua wait. And he also just wanted another message from the white haired teen. Impatient as ever, Gon sent a reply. 

```ooooh what games were you playing?? i was just sitting here! 😸 thinking abkit all of our adventurss!```

As soon as the message was sent, Gon reread it and groaned. He made typos! He was typing so quickly, and was so focused on sending out a message that he didn’t pay attention to typing. He didn’t want to double text, though. So the typos would have to remain. 

Moving his left arm, Gon put his hand to his forehead. He couldn’t even let himself feel the excitement of talking to Killua, since he was too embarrassed. And not only did he make typos, he said he was thinking of Killua! That could totally come off weird. Gon whined again, and dropped his phone so he could cover his face with both hands instead of one. Hopefully Kill won’t be weirded out.

After Killua had sent the message, he stretched, and got out of bed. It was a bad habit of his to get too focused on his video games, so he made it a point to walk around every once in awhile. He once again looked at the text message, and felt a bit breathless. It was something he was used to at this point. He analyzed the text. Everything about it broughr a faint blush to his pale face. He could tell that Gon had rushed to send the message. It fit into his over-excited, reckless nature. Also... Gon was thinking about him? Just laying there, thinking about the fun that the two of them had had together....

Killua smiled, like he always did. Sometimes, he thought, why wouldnt he just confess? Why wouldnt he just tell Gon everything that he feels? Of course, those questions have simple answers. Killua was, in short, a coward. Rejection from the main source of light in his life terrified him. If he lost Gon, everything would be worthless. It was pathetic that he was so dependent on his friend, but how could he not be? Gon drew people to him. He made them feel safe and loved, it was like he truly valued every single person he encountered. Killua was so... new to that. It was too much, and he got used to it fast. He liked feeling so validated. Not to mention the fact that Gon was just overall so great. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, and sighed. It came out shakey- and he then noticed that his hands were shaking, too. His heart was racing. Great! Killua tried to breathe calmly, and sat on the edge of his bed. Not only was he flustered, but he had reminded himself of his anxieties. Not a good mixture. Killua held his phone tight, and chewed on the inside of his cheeks. He turned such a great moment to him into a more bittersweet one. He loved Gon. But he would never be able to express it in the way he wanted. Then again, as long as he still had him, it would be okay. Right?

```You wouldnt know them. You wanna train together soon? You sound free enough..```

Anxiety filled Gon as he waited for his phone to buzz. Of course he was happy to talk to Killua, but he was afraid what he said would come off the wrong way. Gon never really thought about what he said before he said it, which caused him trouble sometimes. His phone had already shut off, as it was put down and un interacted with. Turning onto his back, Gon stretched out his legs and his arms. He was in the position of a snow angel, staring at the ceiling. 

His thoughts were going a million miles an hour. Gon valued Killua more than anyone else- the two of them were inseperable. Gon really didn’t want to fuck it up by saying some dumb shit over text. He wasn’t lying when he said he was thinking about Killua- after all, he does that all the time. If Gon is using his brain, chances are that it’s Killua taking up his usually vacant mind. Such as the way Killua would just.. *look* at him. The smile of comfort that would fall on his face, even if Gon was just rambling about some random unimportant thing. Killua always seemed to listen to Gon’s tangents, and that brought some strange feeling into Gons chest when thinking about it. Butterflies. No! Gon would never call it that. That implies that he feels a certain way for the other teen. Sure, listening to his voice and seeing him do literally anything made him feel giddy in the most ridiculous amounts, but that didn’t mean he had feelings for him, right? 

The emotions have been in suppression for years. This is the first time in a long while that Gon even thought about the possibility of them. Even if it was denial, he actively thought about it. Shaking his head, Freecs tried to clear his mind. He can’t have feelings for Killua. It would push Killua away for sure. The dark haired boy rubbed his face again, now sitting in the stress he himself invoked. 

Then his phone buzzed. Gon had already forgot about the initial cause of his anxiety- until now. Reluctantly, he grabbed his phone and held it above him.

Nervously, he peeked at the message. A large sigh came from his mouth, and he smiled. That same fluttery feeling he recalled earlier arose in his chest. With a deep breath, and a dorky smile on his face, Gon typed out a response. 

``` yeah, i’d love to! when donyou wanna train??```

Once again, Gon sent the message with no proofreading. He was too focused on the fact that Killua had asked him out. OKAY. Not asked out. This isn’t a date. This is training! Serious business here. Killua wouldn’t ask Gon on a date- Gon was painfully aware of this. With a deep breath, he tried to calm himself down. He was worked up over nothing! No feelings. No date. Nothing. Just training.

The moments Killua spent waiting for the text worried him a bit. It was just silly anxiety- but he couldnt help but pay some mind to it. Maybe Gon didnt want to train- but also didnt want to turn him down. It made him feel a bit guilty. That happened more and more often. He never wanted to make Gon reluctant to hang out with him. That was the last thing he would try to do. But as far as he knew, mistakes happen, and he couldve said something weird that would throw his friend off. Those thoughts aside, he thought about the question presented to him. Training is usually done best in the forest- no people to distract them....But Killua hated bugs. They were so disgusting... and they loved to liter the ground and trees. Gon loved it though. That was something he couldnt understand, but somehow added to his admiration for him. Why did feelings have to be so complicated? It was easier to just ignore them- or to not have any, like when he was an assasain. Killua would rather die than go back to life like that, though. 

```Who knows? Lets just meet up and decide from there. Ill go over to you, okay? See you in 10.```

He sat his phone down, and looked into the mirror that was placed neatly on the wall adjacent to his bed. His eyebags had gotten worse, somehow. His clothes definitely needed to be changed. Killua furrowed his eyebrows. He always did this since meeting Gon. While before he did try to keep up a good apperance, and seem tidy, now he made it an essential. Then again, though, they *were* going to go train...

Killua decided to be more casual than usual. He slipped on a tank top and some athletic shorts. Shoes. Brushed his hair. All quick and hasty. He said he would get to Gon in 10 mintues, but he wanted to be there in 5. It was always a good time being around Gon. In fact, it was probably exactly what he needed. A nice day of simple training, then hanging out after. Killua opened his backpack and put in some water, as well as snacks. Then, he left.

Gon *instantly* started panicking. Ten minutes?? That was so soon! Hurriedly, he got off his bed. He was shaking his hands and glancing around. It seemed that in the moment, he simply forgot how to function. How does one get ready??? Change clothes?? How do you do that??? As if steam was blowing out of his ears, Gons brain completely burnt out. He stood there for a solid three minutes before realizing he didnt even respond to the message. fuck!

```alright!!! see you soon!```

He typed as fast as he possibly could, clicked send, and then threw his phone back onto his bed. Glancing around, Gon closed his blinds in his room an changed. Just a tank top and shorts seemed good. They were just training, so no need to dress fancy or try to look good. Okay, Gon still wanted to look good. But still! The point remains. Rushing to a mirror, he brushed his hair and shaped it. Of course, he could leave it down, but where’s the fun in that? It was so messy when down, and that probably wasn’t appealing at all. While at the mirror, he did the basics of teeth brushing and putting on deodorant. 

Checking the time, about five minutes had passed. Grabbing water and a bag with snacks, Gon decided to go wait outside. Kill should be there any minute now- he didn’t wanna make the other wait. 

Deep breaths. There were a lot of them! For some reason, Gon’s heart was racing. Probably because Killua was coming. Well! not just that. That, combined with the very strange thoughts Gon had had before. You know- the whole dating type thing. Trying once more to suppress these thoughts, Gon put his hands on his hips and pursed his lips, tapping his left foot on the ground. Any moment now, Killua will arrive. Stay calm, Gon.


	2. interruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh oh weird pink haired girl is here

Killua did arrive not long after. As Gon appeared in his view, he couldnt help but smile. He wanted to smile wide- to laugh. Happiness was simply overcoming him. Instead though, Killua kept it inside. His smile was casusl, and he walked up to his friend. "Gon!" He waved shortly, and put his hands behind his head. Keep it lowkey, Killua. You wouldnt know how to express how happy you are anyways. "You ready to train?" He questioned, tilting his bed a bit. "I havent done much today, so ill still have to stretch..." Killua sat down his backpack, and put his hands on his hips. Since the two have been friends for so long, so he wasnt as affected by basic conversations. Of course, he was still one to fluster easily. He found himself too naturally just... staring at Gon. The sunlight hit his (Gon's) face in a way that looked ethereal to him. Killua averted his eyes quickly, and pretended to look for something in his backpack.

"I still havent decided where we should go... you can choose, if you want." Killua muttered that out, his fingers picking at the fabric in the bottom of the bag. His mind was racing, basically insulting himself. Why did he keep doing that? Its been happening for years. He would always get caught in the act of staring at his friend... and honestly wouldnt know how to counter the accusations. It was so easy to look at him, though.. and he would admire him.

His face looked so bright. His eyes sparkled in a way Killua loved so much. Of course, he didnt only admire the psychical aspects of Gon, but the memories he had made with him, too. Their friendship was no doubt the center of Killua's life. He tried to fix his family life, but that was long ruined, so it was too hard to. But, with Gon? Everything came so easily with him. They could talk for hours, or just sit in silence. Either way was fine with him. Killua simply felt comfortable. It was nice.. he never wanted to lose it.

Killua arrived a few moments after Gon got into his waiting position, just like he had expected. Although Gon himself wasn’t the smartest, he knew Killua well enough. Killua was always punctual, which is how Freecs concluded Killuas arrival. It’s a little bit funny, though, how Gon isn’t able to actually tell Killuas feelings for him, considering how well they know each other. But Gon’s naive, and also doesn’t believe someone as cool as Killua would fall for him. Shit like that. 

When Killua approached, Gon smiled at him, his face lighting up. His body naturally turned to face the other, and his hands made fists that he waved close to his chest. Excitement movements. Gon wasn’t really one to hide how he felt- at least not simple emotions like being happy to see Kill. Hearing his name come from the others mouth always made him so happy. It was something Gon would never get sick of- it was among the list of butterfly inducing things. 

“Kiiiillua! Hey hey!” The dark haired boy spoke, now waving his right hand. Gon was able to pick up that Killua wasn’t really looking at him. Maybe what he said earlier did come off wrong? Oh well... Gon would just have to distract Kill from it, right? Oh! Fuck! A question! Freecs thought for a moment, his foot tapping once again. 

“The forest area by the playground might be good? I know you aren’t too fond of bugs, so if you get too grossed out we can go sit on the swings and cool down for a bit!”

This idea seemed great! They could train in an area safe to do so, but also be able to leave quickly if needed. Of course, Gon didn’t consider that there would likely be kids at the playground or on the swings, but that’s because he simply didn’t care enough to consider it. He wanted to spend time with Killua, and kids weren’t gonna mess that up!

"Thats a good idea!" Killua responded excitedly. He loved to hear the optimisim coming from Gon. It always brightened the mood. He knew that if Gon had been any less energetic, their friendship simply wouldnt be how it is now. He thought about the suggestion some more, then nodded. "Alright. Lets do that. We can just rest at the park after, too." Killua put his backpack back on, and adjusted it a bit to be more comfortable. He turned his body towards the direction of the park, and was about to wave Gon forward when he heard unfamiliar footsteps. A wave of panic shot through him, since the person seemed like they were *trying* to be quiet. Like an ambush. He jerked his head back to see who was there.

He tried to process things quickly. It was... a girl. With bright pink hair nonetheless. She was quickly tiptoeing behind Gon. Killua was.. confused. Where the hell did she come from? Killua wouldve been able to detect anyone before they got that close to his friend. Who...who even was she? Did Gon make some enemy and didnt tell him? No... Gon was stupid, but not *that* stupid....right? 

But when he made eyecontact with the girl, a shiver was sent through him. What the hell was that look? She looked upset, and, well... scary. Killua knew that look well. It was one of hatred. He began to take a step forward, and reached his hand out. He choked out the name, "Gon-!", but it was too late.

Erika put her hands delicately over her new friend's eyes. She whispered close to his ear. "Guessss whoooo!!!!" Then, she proceeded to burst out laughing. Promptly, she backed a little bit back from Gon, and placed her hands behind her back politely. She tilted her head, smiling sweetly. Her gaze went from Gon, to Killua, then to Gon again. "Just kidding! I wont make you guess. I bet youre surprised though, huh!" She exclaimed happily, placing a hand on Gon's shoulder and shaking it a bit. Erika was a very touchy girl, especially with her friends. When she met Gon, it was like they clicked instantly. He was so vibrant, and at the time, she had no one that could tolerate her. Even her parents wanted her out of the house majority of the time.

But of course, Gon was different. He was equally loud, but kind, and always had the energy for fun small adventures. Like going to the park, or swimming in the lake, or climbing a few trees. It was always fun to hang out. Erika did notice, though, the amount of times Gon would announce the name "Killua". It was peculiar. She knew who he was due to his last name. It made her wary, to say the least. And seeing him in person basically confirmed it! He was very scary. For some reason, he looked offended that she had came and visited. Erika smiled at him, but he didnt do the same. She decided to ignore it. "Sorry for coming at a bad time, Gon! I tried texting you, but you didnt answer...."

“Alright! This is gonna be so great!” Gon smiled enthusiastically, glad to see Killua taking the idea on. Of course, the idea wasn’t likely to be turned down, but it was still nice nonetheless. Something about the person you’re closest to accepting your thoughts with zero hesitation felt special. Killua made Gon feel special. Just bro things!

Gon picked up his bag and swung it over his shoulders. While adjusted the straps, he say Killua shoot a glare. Then, he saw nothing at all. Two soft hands were softly placed over his eyes. Gon could tell who it was instantly, and once the hands were gone he turned, beaming at the girl. 

“hmm.... who are you? i don’t recognize you at all!”

Obviously, Gon was joking. Extremely lightly, he punched her shoulder. Gon knew his strength- even a playful punch could really hurt someone. So he had to be extra careful. 

He and Erika had met pretty recently, but having her around was extremely enjoyable. She didn’t make him as happy as Killua did, but he doesnt admit that to himself ever. Comparing friends is a big nono! 

Nodding, Gon took a step back from her. This was a bad time. After all, he and Killua had plans! But he *did* want the two to meet. So, maybe the timing wasn’t too bad! This was an opportunity waiting to be taken. And Gon was gonna fucking take it. Hell yeah. 

“Just kidding!” He laughed, once again adjusting his backpack straps. “That’s okay! Sorry for not seeing your texts, Erika. Killua and I were just about to go and train for a bit, so i wasn’t checking my phone. Oh! Speaking of!” Gon stepped to the side and motioned to the other boy. 

“This is Killua! He’s one of my best friends! Killua, this is Erika! She and I met pretty recently. I think you guys will really like each other!”

Killua almost wanted to laugh at himself. He overreacted, huh? Majorly. A faint blush of embarrassment covered his cheeks, and he placed his hands in his pockets. A friend. Of course. He watched as Gon played around with her, joking, all that. A hint of jealousy planted itself in his chest. It was ridiculous. He knew that Gon had more friends than just him... Leorio, Kurapika, etc. But they were never *his* age... thats what made them closer, Killua thought, since they were the same age. So the fact that there was *another* person that could relate to them in that way..... yeah, jealousy. Killua only felt his face get hotter when he was introduced. Being as cold as ever, he looked away from the two infront of him, and nodded. "Nice to meet you.." He muttered. His mind was pretty preoccupied though.

If Erika wasnt an enemy, why did she look at him like that? Killua didnt want to dismiss it. If she really *was* an enemy, then it wouldnt be smatt to just move on. He was hoping- praying- that Gon didnt invite her to their training session. He didnt want to be on the edge of his seat the entire time. That was just tiring. Of course, it was mostly his fault of being suspicious... Since Gon was friendly towards her, he should at least try to make an effort too. Then again, he wasnt planning on sticking to thay completely. If she looked at him like that again, he would bring it up, definitely.

Erika nodded, shifting from foot to foot. "Killua! I cant believe im actually meeting you! Gon talks about you *all* the time!!!" She walked over to the white haired boy, and held out her hand. Her smile was bright, and she expected the demeanor to be recuperated. Alas, it wasnt. Killua ignored her, and she shrugged it off. "Well, i was heading to the park. Maybe you guys could tag along and train there? Ill even join you! Wont that be fun?" Again, she looked at Gon with anticipation. She really only wanted his answer.

Its not like she didnt like Killua!.... Okay, that was a lie. She really didnt like him. His family, and the fact that he was being so rude right off the bat. This couldnt be the boy Gon was talking about, right? Erika didn't know what to do, though. She thought it would be best to just stick by Gon the whole time. Except... that might not work, since those two have been friends for so long. Surely she would be a third wheel. So, maybe she'd try to understand Killua a bit more! That boy seemed pretty complicated, and if all else fails, she would still have Gon to hang out with. She didnt want to replace Killua, but also? Hanging out around him didnt seem like too much fun.

Gon watched the two interact, shifting his weight between his two feet. There was a shade of pink on his cheeks. This sight wasn't exactly uncommon, but it was always pleasant to experience. Seeing Killua fall into a state of blushing was always adorable. Gon couldn't help but feel all warm upon seeing it. It was genuinely one of the cutest things Freecs had ever seen. If he had the option to look at a blushing Killua for the rest of his life, he absolutely would. It was the sweetest sight ever- and what made it even better is that it was usually caused by Gon himself. Being able to make the person he cared about most go into a state of such intense emotion made him feel some sort of pride. But mostly? Gon just enjoyed seeing it because it's cute as fuck. It made Gon happier than most other things. 

It was strange, to say the least, that Gon was unable to figure out Kill had feelings for him. He was able to see that he could make Killua blush and shit like that, but he wasn't able to acknowledge that there might be feelings underlying there- from both him and Kill. On that note, Gon realized his mind went on its on a million miles an hour tangent about how cute Killua is. Which ultimately led back to the unsuppressed idea from earlier. Could he potentially.. like Killua romantically? The idea hurt his brain. With a small tint of pink on his own face now, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Return to a state of peace, and clear the mind. That would be best in this situation.

Now back to a somewhat state of clarity, Gon looked between the two and tried to focus on the conversation at hand. The two had a form of tension between them, but they were still seeming to get along quite well. Killua *actually* greeted Erika, so that was something. Gon had a feeling that once they got to know eachother better, they would be best friends, too! Oh! Now Gon was once again embarrassed. Erika... ma'am you can't just tell Kill that Gon talks about you constantly!!! If anyone says that to Killua it should in fact be Gon. With an awkward laugh, Gon looked down at the ground. That made him miss the fact that Killua wouldn't shake her hand.

"I don't see a problem with you coming along! Kill, you're okay with it, right?" Gon smiled, and looked at Killua with pleading eyes. He *really* wanted Erika to come along. Blinking a few times, he gave a small smile. If anything, this smile would get him what he wanted. Come on Killua. Give in. "I think it'd be *really* fun!"


	3. a journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they do b walking to da park

It was really... ironic that the two of the boys never pick up on the attraction they equally have. Killua did notice Gon's blush, though he was mostly distracted by Erika. He furrowed his eyebrows at the request. He didnt think that Gon would let someone join at the last second... but, then again, unplanned decisions were Gon's specialty. Killua could only look into his friend's eyes for a few seconds before it was too much. The smile didnt help, either. Killua rolled his eyes, and huffed; both of which contradicted the blush that still was visible on his face. "....Fine! But she better not get in the way. We're seriously trying to train, and if she cant keep up with us, she can watch from the sidelines."

Killua crossed his arms, and tilted his head up. Fake it til you make it, right? He meant to act pretentious, maybe he could drive Erika away. In all seriousness though, he really wanted alone time with Gon. Maybe he was being too clingy, though. He did need to see just how strong this girl was...Strong enough if she actually wanted to train with Gon though, right?

Nevertheless, everything about her made him nervous. It seemed so silly, so why couldn't he get over it? When she got close to Gon, he wouldnt help but be stiff. So, something told him that training wasnt going to go that well. He started off again, towards the park, making sure that he stayed fairly close to Gon, for the most part. Their fingers would graze together every once in awhile. Thats how close.

"Oh, i wont be a bother! Ill help as much as i can, kay?" Erika smiled once more. It was interesting to see the tension that was so obvious between them. Maybe they were dating? She made sure to note that, and would ask later. Killua was... still not that great though. She didnt really know what Gon saw in him. It was confusing to say the least. Still, she decided to play it safe for now, at least around Gon. She walked beside him, too, and skipping. "How often do you usually go and train, Gon? You look really strong!!!!"

Unplanned changes happened to occur with Gon. A certain motto could apply to him- expect the unexpected. Nothing is set is stone! Gon is a fucking wild card.   
When Killua turned his gaze away, Gon cheered in his mind. A victory! The victory was almost completely guaranteed, but it still filled him with glee. Gon didn’t quite understand it, but Killua always seemed to soften around him. Maybe that’s just how close friendships work. 

With a grin, Gon placed his hands on his hips. “That sounds good to me! Erika, I hope you’re ready for a challenge!” The comment was lighthearted, but completely true. The boys had been training together and training hard for years- it would be hard for anyone to keep up with them. Gon would feel bad if Erika had to sit out, but he also knew he couldn’t push Killua too much. If Killua felt the girl was slowing them down, then the girl has to sit out. Gon wasn’t going to spark too much change upon Killua. 

As they walked, Gon noticed how close the other was. In the moment, Gon was really glad that Kill didn’t have the ability to read heartbeats. His heart was beating quickly, and his hands were shaking just a little bit. For some reason, he simply couldn’t keep his cool. This is what happens when you unsuppress feelings, it seemed. His breaths were shaky, too. Whenever their hands brushed, Gons heart skipped a beat. Every ounce of Freecs being was dedicated to hoping and praying that Killua wouldn’t notice and ask what was going on.

“I’m sure you’ll do great, Erika!” Gon reassured, his voice in his usual happy-go-lucky tone, but mixed with a little bit of shakiness. While the two boys walked dangerously close to each other, Erika bounced around, and found herself on Gons other side. Would she notice the difference in Gons demeanor? Hopefully not. Laughing as to throw off any suspicion of his current state of mind, Gon took his gaze off the ground and looked at Erika.

“I train almost every day! If I don’t keep it up I feel like all of my progress will reverse... so I make sure to work really hard! Killua-“ he paused to take a deep breath, and recollect himself. “Killua usually trains with me. We push each other a lot, so we both get better! If it weren’t for him, I feel like I definitely wouldn’t have come as far as I have.”

Gon then took this opportunity to try and seem normal, as if his voice wasn’t shaking throughout that whole speech. The boy was breathless, solely because he had the audacity to think for once- to think about Killua. Oh yes! Killua! Gon turned to look at him. “Kill! Thank you so much for everything! I owe a lot to you. I appreciate everything you’ve done a lot.” Gon spoke casually, his hand once again brushing against Killuas. With a shaky breath, Gon once again looked at the ground. His heart was beating so loudly. What the hell was going on?

Well, this wasnt good. Killua noticed that he was walking close- he definitely knew that.. He wanted to blame it on Erika. He wanted to blame it on the fact that he was so suspicious of the new friend. But those were weak excuses. To put it simply, he just wanted to be near Gon. Multiple instances he had the urge to reach for his hand, but quickly submerged the thought. He had shot a few occasional glances at Gon, and noticed that he was a bit off. Why, though? Because of Erika, or something else? He planned on asking later, but his mind was completely thrown off track when his friend suddenly began to talk about *him*. It wasnt.. unusual for Gon to do this, especially around other friends. Killua was convinced he did it just to embarrass him. 

While Killua could handle Gon bragging about him a little, what he wasnt prepared for was direct words of admiration towards him. He froze momentarily, processing the words. Then, his face turned hot. He stepped away from Gon, finally, and shoved his hands in his pockets. Why did he say that? Idiot. Theres no reason to praise him. After all- what exactly did Killua do for Gon? All he did was tag along for the adventures. With Gon being so bright, all Killua could have done was dampen it... Geez.

All he did was ruin things, huh?

"....Youre an idiot... Thats embarrassing!" He muttered out, finally. His heart was beating, his face was red, and he felt like a goddamn idiot. Why did Gon have to be the way he was? Why did Killua have to hide the feelings that were obviously there?

Why was Killua so afraid of the light Gon showed him?

Was it because he didnt deserve it? Was he too tainted? 

Killua attempted to say more, but his throat was dry. He pursed his lips, soaking in the silence that fell. He should respond properly, right? But what would he even say? There was no way Killua would be able to express the gratitude he had towards his friend. If he couldnt say it properly, why say it at all?

Gon was shaking. He was quite literally shaking. He really had no clue what was going on with himself. All of these thoughts were surging through his brain- he felt exhausted solely by the capacity of his thoughts. He never used his brain this much- and never this fast. All at once, Gon was just hit with Killua. Not physically, just mentally. Upon praising him, he (Gon) simply decided to remember multiple instances in which Killua helped him out, or was just flat out adorable. Which meant a lot of thoughts. Gon had a headache, and his face was red. Although he didn’t blush easy, he was currently a mess. 

Glancing up at Killua every few seconds, for fragments of time each go, Gon gathered that Killua had his typical response to praise- red cheeks and an averted gaze. He still looked so chill about it, though. The way he stands there with his hands in his pockets.. Gon felt as if he was gonna explode. Why did Killua have to look so perfect? It’s totally unfair! 

Gon admired Killuas ability to look so relaxed when embarrassed. No matter what, he always seemed put together. Clearly, Gon wasn’t the same way. His hands were still shaking, but they missed the contact with Killuas. Its not like they were holding hands or anything, they just touched every so often. It was sweet. But now Gons hands were out in the open, with no body to block the sight of them shaking. Nervously, he grabbed onto his backpack straps. Maybe this way they would look more stable. 

“What? How come?” Gon questioned. He knew Killua got embarrassed by kindness, but he still didn’t quite understand it. This had been a thing for years, but he really just never understood. 

“I was just being honest.” He pouted a little bit, still trying to hide his panic. NOT gay panic. this fucker isn’t gay! totally. But, his face was still red, and he still wouldn’t dare hold a glance at Killua. He just kept looking down. Or at the sky. Basically, anywhere other than Killuas direction.

Killua tilted his up, pouting as well. "Youre being *stupid*, thats what!" He defended himself meekly. His face was still warm- he was vividly aware of it. But something kept catching his eye. At first, he thought he was making it up, but it seemed to be getting worse with time. Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks. His mind was now focused completely and utterly on Gon. He stepoed close to his friend again, and held his hand out gently. They werent touching- but his hand hovered safely above Gon's sleeve. Now, he *did* make eyecontact with Gon. Serious, in tact eyecontact. "Gon-" He stuttered out, not knowing exactly how to word his question. Does he relate it to an emotion, like excitment? Or an event, like Erika showing up unexpectedly? He softly placed his hand on Gon's forearm, squeezing it gently. A sign of reassurance.

"Are- Are you shaking?" Killua said earnestly. It was a genuine question. Gon usually did get too much energy, so he had to release it somewhere. But this seemed different. He also caught onto the change in his speech, as well as the attempt to cover it up by coming up with a new subject. It worried him, God knows why, though. "Is something wrong??" With the experince that Killua had, he knew that enemies were everywhere. Maybe someone posioned Gon, and caused him to be getting sicker by the moment. Or maybe he had needed something to eat, fast. Maybe he needed water?

Questions did race quickly through Killua's mind, but regardless, he stayed there. Still, waiting for a response. His eyes would shift as he examined the different features shown on his friend's face, but always landed back directly on his gaze. Of course, something like this would snap Killua from his childish, flustered state. At this point, he knew he needed to act at least somewhat responsible. And luckily, its difficult for your mind to wonder far when youre busy helping the person you love.

“i’m not being stupid!” Gon countered, still avoiding any form of contact. He was so shaken up, but he himself didndidn’t understand jt. Gon felt like he could combust at any given moment. At this point? All of his focus was going onto trying to clear his mind. But, the more he tried to suppress his thoughts, the stronger they came on. They came in like waves during high fucking tide ! Strong, powerful, and daunting. They were hard to combat. 

Gon could tell Killua was approaching. He didn’t dare look up- how could he handle that? He stiffened at the sound of his own name. It came off the tip of Killua’s tongue like a melody. Even though it’s tone was serious, it still was so kind on the ears. There was a sense of nerve in Killuas voice, though. Gon was able to pick up on that. Just when he was about to reply, he felt the warmth of Killuas hand on his arm. Gon felt as if he was melting in the touch, but in actuality he was just standing there, stiff and trembling. 

The question caught him off guard, along with everything in this situation. “Whaat? Me, shaking? Of course not!” Gon was lying. He might’ve been able to pull it off if Killua wasn’t able to see or feel the dark haired guy. But he can. Which means that Gon was screwed. 

Instinct wanted Gon to put his hand on top of Killua’s and just hold it there, enjoying the contact. But that wasn’t exactly an option, considering the tensity of the situation. The forced eye contact caused Gon to fall further into a state of being flustered, and he hated that he couldn’t look away and hide how red his face was currently. 

“i’m fine, killua! don’t worry about it! we should just get along to the park, alright?” He shut his eyes, and forced a laugh and a smile. Lightly, he placed his hand on killuas, and moved it from his arm. But whoops! He totally forgot to let go of Killuas hand. how unfortunate !

What the hell was going on here? Gon seemed sick. At first, Killua didnt expect to be that worried. But now, with the obvious lie, he didnt know how to comprehend. Was Gon lying just to save him from worrying? If so, it wasnt working. He furrowed his eyebrows, but did let his hand be taken away. On instinct, his hand squeezed Gon's. He didnt really notice it, because he was using his free hands to pull on his friend's earlobe. He huffed, shaking his head. "What kind of idiot do you take me for!!!! If you dont feel good, ill take you back home."

Killua, in all honesty, didnt know what to think. What other reason would Gon be acting like this? He thought about it, and an answered popped up. He didnt like it, though... Was it because of Erika? Ever since she showed up, Gon definitely seemed more flustered than usual. A thought like that erupted a plethora of others. Maybe he didnt want to go home witb Killua. Maybe he wanted to train with Erika. To get that one on one time with her. Needless to say, his stomach hurt. He felt very, very sick. Sick with jealousy. It wasnt even confirmed...Why did he let his mi d wander so much, exactly?

Sometimes it was nice. Sometimes he laid on his bed all night, imagining Gon's bright features. It would make him warm inside, and he was lucky to memorize such detailed stories. But, alas, its indeed a doubled sided sword. Killua bit the insides of his cheeks once more, and moves his hand to Gon's face. Its meant to pull his cheeks- to kiss, even. Though, his hands stay on his face for a tad while longer, he went straight to teasing again. To play it off as silly seemed... wrong. He needed to adress it.

"What do you think happened, huh?? Tell me!!!" He decided to be a bit more aggressive, maybe he would get a *serious* response from Gon.

At the squeeze on his hand, Gon pretty much stopped breathing for a moment. It was completely expected, and it was in fact another reason to panic. Gons eyes were still closed, so he had no clue Killua was going for his ears. The tug made his eyes shoot open, and he frowned. It was completely unexpected- and it really hurt! Gon was ready to whine about it, but Killua beat Gon to speaking. Was Gon really acting that weird? So much so that Killua thought he was sick? Gon wasn’t sick at all! He just... 

Gon stared at Killua, a frown on his face. His chest rose and fell unevenly, and his free hand was playing with the backpack strap. “I feel *fine*.” Gon emphasized, knowing damn well he didn’t feel fine. “Let’s just keep going, okay?” 

Gon himself couldn’t describe what was going on. Obviously, he was extremely flustered due to Killua, but he didn’t know that. Neither of them did. All Gon wanted was to spend time with him.. and Erika. All three of them, training until they feel spent. Like friends do. But the word felt wrong.   
Friends... hmm. Of course, it fit. After all, Gon and Killua were best friends! But, when used to describe them, Gon felt s small psin in his chest to accompany his uneven breathing. whst the fuck does this bitch have? asthma?

The embrace was another unexpected contact, but Gon didn’t mind. Well, not too much. He would’ve preferred if this hsppened when he was calmer. The feeling on Killua’s hand on his face was so cozy. It reminded me of that time they were lesrning about some other hunters, and Killuas killed him. Of course, Kill was joking around, but it was still a glorius moment. When the contact was taken away, Gon couldn’t help but feel some form of disappointment. It was so comfortable and tender... he never wanted it to end or go away. Then, suddenly, Killas was speaking in a harse tone. Listening was his best bet. But, Gon couldn’t admit his situation. 

“But Kill, I don’t think anything’s wrong! I was just thinking, is all!”

Gon laughed nervously, his free hand going to scratch the back of his neck. he was careful not to disturb his mountainous hair.

Killua put his hands on his hips, and released a long sigh. He should give up, probably. Gon was stubborn; He knew this. If he (Gon) ended up collapsing or anything, thats when he would seriously act. Killua also caught onto something - what was Gon thinking about to make him so red? A spark of jealousy happened once more. His stomach twisted, and a saddness damped his mood severely. But, even though he thought it untrue, he did have the hope that *he* was the cause. It was embarassing. Why would he want to make Gon so shakey and flustered? It was cute, but he shouldnt *want* to do that...

Guilt added onto his overwhelming emotions, like always. Did he secretly want to hurt Gon? It was a question that appeared more often than he would like it to. His family liked to tell him that yes, of course Killua wanted to kill his friend. The only reason that he liked Gon was because he seemed a bit different. But, eventually, he would get bored, and see Gon as he sees everyone else.

A target.

Of course, at this point, he ignored the things his family preached. He knew he was different. It wasnt true. Killua wouldnt hurt Gon intentionally. Ever. It seemed, though, however many times he repeated that to himself- however many times he made sure he took precautions to protect Gon, there was always doubt. He felt like he never truly knew what he was. Who was he? Why did he do the things he did? Half of the time, Killua ended up giving up on thining that. It hurt. He just wanted to be confident that he was actually who he said he was.

"Alright, alright... fine. Ill leave you alone for now! Lets start our training."

Gon watched Killua's every move. Now that his face was free from Killua's gasp, he was able to once again avoid direct eye contact. But, he still observed. His eyes followed the movements the other made, and they lingered up to Killua's face as he let out his sigh. It seemed as if Killua had backed off, sicnce Gon was notoriously stubborn. This was nice to know- if Gon had been pestered about it more, he'd likely be *very* embarrassed. In a way, he was starting to understand why Killua would say Gon's actions are embarrassing. Being called out on nervous behavior was very nerve-wrecking. The most he could do now is hope that Kill and Erika would forget about what just happened, and that it would never be brought up again. But, Gon had a feeling it would in fact be brought up later. He wasn't eaxctly sure which of the two would ask about it, but it felt inevitable. He really wasn't looking forward to it.

Gon had truly never felt this shaken up before. At least, never in front of anybody. Of course at home he'd have his moments, but they were in private. He never really figured out how to calm down. Well, he had one solution, but that only really worked when texting or something. He could just set his phone down for a while, and distract him from the Killua-oriented thoughts. The only other times Gon had felt this way were when talking to Killua on the phone or over text. Or, sometimes it would come upon him when he was just.. thinking. So, all Gon really knew about this feeling is that it's brought on by Killua. It was a rare emotion, considering Gon often bottled up strange emotions such as these. These.. felt *dangerous*. If Gon didn't surpress whatever the hell these are, he felt as if he would ruin his friendship with Killua. And that? That wasn't really a worry typical of Gon, which scared him more.

In the moment, Gon really wanted to seperate himself from Killua, just so he could get himself under control. Erika could probably help Gon figure it out, so he didn't need a temporary split from her. But how the hell would Gon ask for that? *"Hey Kill! I'm acting like this because I couldn't stop thinking about how cute you are, and you touching me made it a lo worse. Can you give me a few moments alone with Erika so i can calm myself down?"* Absolutely not. That would just make things worse. Freecs felt himself spiral mentally, just for a few moments. And this spiral only deepened as he stared at Killua. 

Although he avoided eye contact, he was able to take in and just admire everything about the white haired boy. From just that- his messy white hair, that was as soft as the fucking clouds are made out to be, to the way he carries himself. Although it was obvious that he was worried, Killua still manmaged to stand there with such a cold aura. It was enchanting, and endearing. Gon forced himself to shut his eyes. He wasn't really one to stare, and now was a bad time to start. If Killua noticed, he might put two and two together and realize that the problem all along was Killua himself. Okay, maybe not a problem, but the root cause of the strange behavior. So he shut his eyes. And in doing so, he hoped to shut off his brain. He shouldn't think about his best friend like this- they were just friends. Nothing more. Thinking of Killua in any way that implies different felt.. wrong. Not that Gon would admit to himself that the feelings were in fact romantic, but he was able to acknowledge that they weren't normal friend feelings. And he hated that. He wasn't one to lose friends, but these feelings made him feel so afraid that he would in fact lose Killua.

They had been friends for so long- Logically, Gon should know that a little bit of weird behavior won't change what they've built up. In fact, if he were to be logical, he should be able to realize that Killua feels romantically for Gon. But, Gon isn't the logical type. He's emotional and naive. So he can't pick up on Killua's feelings- and even if he were to do so? He would be unable to acknowledge he feels the same way. After all, what does the dark haired boy know about love? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. In the realm, he has minimal knowledge, and absolutely no way to tell what it feels like. How would he know that this feeling he holds so largely for Killua is love, if he himself has never felt romanttic love, or experienced it? All he had were the old ladies from the island, and that was hardly a good example. He's unintentionally ignorant, and he's so incredibly stupid. If Killua confessed, Gon would simply be confused, and most likely turn him down, only to regret it later on. He was bound to ruin things with these damn feelings. That was the only conclusion he could make.

Gon was pulled out of his spiral of thoughts by Killuas voice, and he looked up at him. Then he proceeded to close his eyes again, wanting to keep eye contact off the menu of interaction. Would Gon really be all weird about this the whole time they hung oput? Hopefully not- he really didn't want that at all. Maybe he *should* take a few minutes with Erika to try and calm down. Nervously, he brought it up. "Okay! You go on ahead, okay Killua? Erika and I will catch up with you in a few minutes." He smiled as he said this, and walked closer to Erika. All he could do is hope that Killua understood Gons need for momentary space, and went along with it.

Killua didnt really know what to expect after he got done talking. Usually in situations like this- Gon would immediately try to make things normal again. Maybe a stupid comment or a loud laugh.. anything. But instead... he wanted to separate? Killua would be lying if he said he wasnt completely unnerved by Gon's sentence. For a number of reasons.. it was just something that Killua didnt like the feeling of. The thoughts of Gon and Erika came back, along with jealousy once more. Seriously? Killua had just tried to help his friend. He wanted to distract him if possible. But instead Gon wanted to be alone with Erika.

He didnt want to admit why it bothered him so much. He still didnt trust Erika- and by the looks of it, Erika didnt trust him, either. But as he had seen earlier... she was energetic. He didnt get the same light from her that he got from Gon, but their personalities almost mirrored eachother. Maybe Gon was drawing away from Killua's own more pessimistic attitude. That thought itself brought some pain to his chest. There was no way he could change that part of himself. It was something he had came to accept, and assumed Gon did the same.

Even though he was still stuck on why exactly he had to seperate from the group, he couldn't say anything. Of course, he did cry at times, but for the most part he could control it. Except... he could feel it coming up. A ball in his throat was forming fast. It was hard to swallow, so he couldnt speak. A burning pain came to his nose , and he put his head down a little just in case his eyes began to tear up. What was wrong with him? Killua simply shrugged his shoulders, and walked towards the park, looking for a place to calm down.


	4. Discussion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gon talks to erika woohoo

Erika watched the boy leave. The whole time, she was kind of just... staring. Witnessing how the interacted, she was... confused to say the least. Gon said they were best friends. Was that a joke.. or lie... or...? Her brain felt hurt trying to understand what exactly was going on. She turned to Gon. To be honest, she didnt really notice whatever shaking or redness he had. In fact, she didnt know there was any tension until that super intense moment just happened. Erika placed a hand on Gons shoulder, and shook it pretty hard.

"Hey! What just happened!!!!!" She exclaimed, using a quite whiny voice. She pouted her lips. "Did you two break up recently or something??? Why didnt you tell meee!!" Of course, her tone was teasing and cheerful. She smiled at Gon, waiting for a genuine response. To be honest, she could use them being alone as an opportunity to try and learn why he likes Killua in the first place.

Gon sighed with relief as Killua walked off, and proceeded to take a deep breath. He wasn’t exactly sure what he expected, but it wasn’t for Killua to walk off in silence. There was no see you later, or an okay. He was just... gone. But that’s okay- Gon got what he needed. A few moments without the distraction of the other man. He really did hope Killua wasn’t too hurt, though. 

Upon feeling the shaking of Erikas hand on his shoulder, Gon turned his head to look at her. If there was anyone as clueless as Gon, it was Erika. In fact, she might be *more* clueless than him, which is a large achievement. Maybe not a good one to flex, but it is one nonetheless. 

Gon clenched his fists, trying to cease the shaking. He was about ready to ask if he could talk about what his mind was overflowing with, but Erika beat him to it. It was nice to hear someone ask what happened, but also? Gon himself didn’t have much of a clue at all. He was flustered, yes, but he couldn’t find the word to describe it. 

Then the next words came. Break up...? What was that supposed to mean? Gon didn’t think they broke off their friendship recently. From an outside view, did it really seem like things were falling apart between him and Killua? Anxiety quickly built up in Gon, until it hit him. Erika didn’t mean friendship. Gons face flushed even further, and he laughed awkwardly. An awkward laugh can throw off tension, right?

Shaking his head, he looked at Erika. “Killua and I were never dating!!!!” He waved his hands in front of him, as some form of panic from the question. He and Killua never dated. But.... would he want that?? Oh fuck! 

“What just happened... uhm...” He smiled now, realizing how stupid all of it was. “I was just thinking about Killua, and our hands kept touching, and i suddenly felt like my head was gonna explode!” Shut up Gon you’re in love

Huh... Theyre not dating after all? Erika stood silent for a moment, and let Gon talk. She tilted her head, a bit confused. So... a crush? She smiled subtly, and proceeded fo punch Gon in the arm as he did to her earlier. "I kind of figured you felt some sort of way about him..." She teased lightly. Thats what worried her, though. The way that Killua stormed off irked her the wrong way. Why was he so upset that Gon just needed to talk to another friend? Erika obviously already had some initial prejudice against Killua, due to his family, but this was simply proving her point.

Erika let out a small sigh, and played with her hair. "Its kind of sad to see you like that, though! It was completely out of character..." She trailed off softly. "I dont know why you like him so much. I guess its because youve known him for so long. But hes pretty cold.. I wouldnt have expected you two to be friends at all." Was she completely slandering Killua? Yes. Did she see anything wrong with it? No. For her, she was just trying to help out her new friend. She wanted to do as much as possible for him! xoxo kill me

Gon shifted his weight between his feet, trying to take deep breaths. He just had to calm down- that should be easy now. Killua walked off, which meant he only existed in Gons mind, currently. It shouldn’t be too hard to eliminate thoughts, especially now that he could talk about it. 

When Erika punched his shoulder, he couldn’t help but laugh. It almost distracted him from her comments about Gons feelings for Killua. *Almost.* He really never let himself think about it- but now that it was brought to the table, he had to consider it. He always just pushed it back.. but not anymore. 

“I don’t know... I always viewed Killua as a friend. Until you said something I never considered him as anything more!” Gon tilted his head, now considering the thought. Did he actually have feelings for Killua...? How could he be sure if that was the case? Of course, he was strongly attached to and drawn to Killua, but Gon had never experienced romance. He didn’t want to label this feeling as love or anything if there was a chance that that wasn’t the case. 

Gon let his thoughts be interrupted so he could listen to Erika speak. And honestly? He wasn’t too happy about what he was hearing. Killua was his best friend- possibly even more? And hearing someone else he cares about talk badly about him... it kinda hurt. 

“It’s not *that* sad. I was happy!! Just a little nervous, too! It’s not too bad, Erika. And he’s not that bad, either. I think us being so different is what makes it so we get along so well! I really care about him, so do you think you could try to he nicer about him?”

Erika honestly didnt think that someone could be so oblivious to their own feelings. Unless she was wrong, of course, but she didnt exactly see how! Gon was getting flustered by Killua, talked about him constantly... she had a feeling he wasnt like that around all his friends. That fact made Erika a bit nervous. If Gon *did* manage to like Killua romantically, she didnt see how it could end well. What could she do, though? Sure, she hadnt known Gon for long, but she knew he was pretty determined about the people he cared about. This was shown in the defense he made for Killua.

"Sorry, Gon... I wasnt trying to upset you or anything! But since i care about you a bunch, i want to make sure youre safe! I dont know Killua that well, but i promise ill try to be a bit nicer before i can learn about him some more!" She smiled at him, careful to be sweeter than previously. Erika *did* want to learn more about Killua, but in the sense that she needed to find some sort of blackmail. Or, of course, she could try to scare him off. Or maybe she could take on a lot of Gon's time so he simply isnt around Killua!

She grabbed Gon's hand, and intertwined their fingers. "Are you calmed down enough yet? I wanna go train!" Erika swung their arms, and began to walk forward. She wasnt the strongest, but she *had* learned a bit of nen! Of course, she didn't exactly know what she was up against, but maybe she could be somewhat above the boys' expectations. "We should talk seriously later though. After this, lets make some plans for just us!!!! Hows that sound?"

Erika? Having bad intentions? Don’t worry, Gon can’t read minds. As far as he is concerned, Erika is a good person with no bad ideas. He is really set on getting her and Killua to like each other. It would be really nice to have someone their age to hang around with! Not that Killua wasn’t enough, but doing things in a trio is almost always fun. So he was really really hoping things would work out. It seems, though, that Erika craves something else. 

Gon gripped her hand tightly, swinging their arms a little bit. He gave a cheeky smile, and nodded. His head wasn’t completely cleared, especially since now he was having a major realization- he might actually have feelings for Killua. Which was in fact problematic, considering Gon was almost certain Killua didn’t feel that way about him. After all, why would he? Erika was right- they were completely different. How could Killua fall for someone who’s the opposite of him? 

Shaking his head, Gon decided to focus on the other thought. Feelings for Killua. It ultimately didn’t matter if Killua didn’t like him back- Gon could handle that, probably. He’s been fine all of this time as just friends, so there is no reason why that should change. It would really make sense if Gon had fallen for the white haired boy- Gon himself could admit that. But he didnt want to label it just yet. Just... one more piece of evidence. Then he can achieve confirmation. And then? he can figure out what to do. 

“hm?” Gon looked up at Erika, realizing he was staring off into space for a moment while he thought. After a moment, the words processed un his brain. Once again, he nodded. 

“I would like that! Let’s do it!” He exclaimed, using his free hand to do that determined fist thing that is done often in animated shows. You know the thing. He did that, walking along with her. Everything would be okay!!!

Up ahead, he saw Killua. Taking a deep breath, Gon focused his energy on keeping calm. Becoming a flustered mess again wouldn’t benefit anyone. He knew that. Smiling, he put his free hand up in the air, waving dramatically. 

“Hey Killua! We’re back!” His hand squeezed onto Elizas once again, and his eyes closed. No freaking out- just be normal. Gon was good at that, usually. There’s no reason for that to change now. So, out of pure determination, he was gonna be enthusiastic and bright- the light of Killuas life. Not that he knew Killua thought of him like that, but he knew that he needed to be the normal Gon that Killua knew and.... loved? No! He wouldn’t feel that way. Shaking him head quickly to remove the thought, Gon laughed brightly. He got this. Everything would be okay.


	5. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gon goes to killua and killua? is confused lol

Let me catch you up on what Killua was doing while Erika and Gon were having their little moment. He found a spot to put his backpack down, under a tree. The park was visible, the bright red, blue, and yellow bathing happily in the sunlight that casted down on the shiny plastic. There were kids visible as well, their laughs echoing right into Killua's eardrums. He had calmed down since earlier. The tears never got a chance to fall, and he made sure that his breathing was steady. His face was back to the smooth, milly paleness it always was. Killua chose to take a seat beside his bag, watching the scenery before them. He had never been a fan of the daylight- aesthetically speaking, at least. The moonlight, or, the night sky in general seemed an abundance more ethereal than the latter. The cool colors calmed him, and gave him peace. Night was silent. Therefore, while watching the bright orange and yellow hues that the sun gave, and listening intently to the loud laughter, he was more or less unaffected. Although, one thought kept crossing his mind. It was something that came up plenty of times, especially for the things that he had come to appreciate with time.

Gon would love this, wouldnt he?

Oh, and Killua knew he would. Gon would love to see the children having fun. He would adore the way the sunlight made everything had a warm tone. Killua knew this, he felt it in his heart. Usually thinking about Gon would give him a flutter in his chest. It would make him pull out his phone to call his friend, or to simply go and visit him. There was none of that happiness in that moment, though. Killua knew Gon was nearby. He wondered briefly if he (Gon) would pay as much attention to the park as he was at this moment. That thought was washed away from the blunt reality that Gon was too busy at the moment to sit and stare. In fact, it felt like Gon would never do that unless he was around Killua- and when they were alone, at that.

Killua knew that because otherwise, Gon would be caught up in his friendships- of which he had many. Killua always appreciated the social abilities of his friend. But, as he would find out, that can be a pro and a con.

Killua did feel silly. He knew he was being irrational. Gon made another friend, and was simply spending time with her. Even though this was supposed to be *their* time... And Killua had yet to forget the odd behavior that his friend emitted in their last interaction. The ache that had been coming and going all day arrived once more. Killua scoffed. It just reminded him of his feelings. The jealousy. The rage. All the emotions that needed to stay bottled, for better or for worse. He let out a long sigh, and turned away from the park. He covered his ears, and closed his eyes. Slowly, he breathed, and allowed the cool breeze to soothe him. Quiet. Darkness. Those were the things he felt most comfortable in. The only thing- the only possible downside that Killua was reminded of-

It left you alone with your thoughts. No, scratch that...

It left you alone.

Gon was his first friend. Ever. Common knowledge. It was also well known that Killua didnt really make friends after that. Not because Gon was controlling and didnt want him to- but because he didnt feel the need for anyone else. Gon brought so much joy and happiness to him. Besides, everyone else always seemed to be warded off by Killua's attitude- or his past, or how he was so desensitized by many things. It was a useless struggle to be attached to other people. Sometimes, though, Killua wished he could somehow be as much of a people person as Gon was. Maybe then he wouldnt have to rely on Gon so much to bring light into his life. But, then again... Killua didnt want to rely on anyone else. It was scary enough with just one person. Fear played a big role in Killua's life. It drove his emotions, his actions, and his thoughts. Even now, it still did. He didn't like Erika because he was scared, point blank. He was scared she wanted to hurt Gon. He was scared she wanted to *take* Gon. It was so irrational to think of it like that, but he knew he couldnt handle it if he ignored his gut feeling and something went wrong.

Killua shook his head. Enough thinking. Or, atleast, he would like to suddenly stop, but it wasnt a talent of his. The only thing he could do was try and focus on something so much that everything else blurred away. So, he decided to begin stretching, like he said he would. Not long after, he heard the duo he left come towards him. His body tensed. Why? For some reason, anxiety overtook him, and his breathing turned shakey. Right. What if Gon confessed to Erika? He turned his head to see them, and almost immediately he felt sick. They were holding hands. Killua bit the inside of his cheek, and shortly after felt the taste of blood explode in his mouth. He adverted his eyes and continued to stretch.

"Its about time you two came back. I was getting worried I'd been ditched!" Killua made sure to have a playful tone- or, more lecturing, like he always was. "We should start soon. Go ahead and stretch before, though."

Gon entered the woodland, glancing around. Something about the current setting was ethereal. The sun slowly setting cast hues of pink and orange across the playground, and the light broke through the leaves of the forest area. This cast a speckled pattern of golden light on the ground, and the area around. On the playground, there were multiple children running around and playing, screaming as they ran from each other, quickly advancing through the equipment like they could do it in their sleep. They were so focused on their games and shenanigans that they couldn’t take a moment to acknowledge the beautiful scenery they happened to be apart of. This smelled like innocence- something Gon had all those years ago when he met Killua. They didn’t yet know the dangers of the world, and they were blissfully ignorant. It was... beautiful, and nostalgic. 

Placed as the centerfold, Killua was stretching. The golden strands of sunlight were dappled around on the pale boy, making him look like even more of an angel than before. Killua’s hair glistened like snow on a cold, yet sunny day. If this was a painting, he would absolutely be the main focus, no doubt about it. The way the stars beams fell onto Killua’s face was completely entirely enthralling, and it was undoubtedly perfect. To Gon, Killua was perfect. His facial features looked as if they were hand sculpted by a god, solely to create the most aesthetically pleasing being that could possibly be created. His physical appearance was stunning. All he was doing was stretching, but it put Gon in a state of awe. That was pretty normal, though. Ever since they met, Gon knew Killua was attractive. He just never realized he was in fact attracted to Killua until just now. And damn, was he attracted. 

But, Gon wasn’t one to dwell. The moment of appreciation would only last for a second. He did take a mental image, but other than that there was no time for appreciation. No longer taking in his surroundings, Gon let go of Erikas hand. He didn’t think them holding hands was too big of a deal, since he was physical with anyone he liked that would allow it. Except Killua. Well- they were sometimes physical. But that was usually for training! Gon did want to hug him and hold his hand more often, but the pounding in his chest that arose simply by the thought made it almost impossible. For a small moment, he recalled when his and Killuas hands were brushing against one and another. Could it be that Killua... wanted to hold Gons hand? Did Gon miss that queue? No.. no way. If Gon were to hold his hand, Killua would just call him an idiot and retract... that’s just how he was. 

“I’d never ditch you!” Gon whined, walking on over to Killua. Unless that action was already written. In that case, ignore that walking action.   
“You’re too important to me!” This statement was nothing but true. Killua meant so much to Gon- more than he imagined Killua could know. He gave out a hearty laugh, mainly to throw off the seriousness of his statement. If he laughed, maybe it wouldn’t hit Killua that Gon really really liked him. Perhaps even loved him. And that seemed good! Gon really didn’t want to ruin their friendship with whatever he felt for Killua. No matter what- he couldn’t lose Killua. 

Pulling one of his arms behind his head, Gon started to stretch. Killua already had a headstart, and Gon needed to catch up. So, he started to go through his routine of physical stretches. Lunges, reaching, rolling of joints, et cetera. They were all basic, but necessary. Jumping right into training without preparing his body would be asking to get hurt. And that’s not what he wanted at all! Plus, Killua also told him to stretch. Not that Gon often listened to Killua, but right now rebellion didn’t feel like an option. For a while, he was going to comply with Killuas ideas. 

“Sorry about earlier! I don’t know what got into me!” Freecs laughed, his eyes closing and his left hand rubbing the back of his head as he did so. His hopes here were to make it so it wouldn’t be brought up later- and so he wouldn’t feel as if he had to tell Killua about it. And most importantly, about his feelings for him. 

Why did things have to be so difficult? Emotions, specifically. It seemed like they could separate people as much as they could connect them. When Killua listened to Gon's response, his heart fluttered. God dammit. Where did all of that anxiety that he had a few minutes ago go? He cracked his knuckles, and was stretching his arm over his head when he noticed that he was still shaking. It was odd, but at least it notified Killua that he was indeed still nervous. He watched as Gon quickly started with his own stretching, and resisted the urge to smile. Of course, he was trying to catch up. But being too quick with stretches can cause more harm than good. He noticed that, instead of stretching, Erika was just collecting some rocks she found pretty (yes im mentioning this instead of writing her). Internally, he scoffed at her. Although he was annoyed, he did realize that if he said Erika had to sit out, she would. Then it would give him and Gon some *actual* time alone. He didnt even have a plan for what to do then, but the thought of just having a normal, casual conversation with his friend brought him enough joy.

"...Yeah," Killua replied hesitantly. To be honest, he wasnt expecting Gon to recount on his weird behavior. It seemed, though, that he wasnt willing to give a proper explanation. Killua tilted his head a bit, then decided that if Gon was going to ignore it, then he would as well. Until it became relevant again, of course. At the moment, he was simply staring at Gon stretch. This time, hopefully he didnt seem too weird. After all, they *were* conversing. "Its fine. I was pretty worried, though! Next time explain instead of sending me away, idiot!!!" 

To be honest, Killua was showing more of his frustration than he meant to. Of course, who cared? Half the time, Killua DID try and tease Gon by pulling on his emotions. It usually wasnt anything serious. Also, it wasnt like Gon actually knew how affected he was by Erika. That was all Killua needed- Gon didnt deserve to know about the ache in his chest. Besides, if only he knew about it, it was easier to ignore. That was a trick his parents taught him, and as much as he hated using assassin tactics, they come in handy. Killua walked behind Gon, and grabbed both of his arms. He helped the boy stretch forward, and upward. "Dont think i didnt notice your rushing, either.. if we're gonna train, i dont need you cramping up on me! Got it??"

A small breeze ruffled the leaves, making the light that penetrated through the leaves dance around like a disco ball. It bounced off of every surface, and mildly illuminated the area of green that the three had inhabited. The light, similar to Gon's eyes, still found it's way to Killuas face. And when Gon's eyes landed on Killuas, he was met with a glance. Eye contact. They were holding eye contact. This wasn't exactly a rare occurance, so there really was no need to panic. Gon mentally hushed himselfd, and gave reassurance to his brain that everything would be fine. Eye contact was common- infact, it happened all the time. The fact that the eyes Gon was staring into were Killua's beautiful blue ones didn't change anything. It was just eye contact. Nothing less, or nothing more. Panic was unneccesary.

Gon himself didn't even realize how quickly he was going with his stretching. His mind was moving at one hundred miles a minute, so his body was trying to keep pace. Most of his focus wasn't even on the stretching itself- which made him less aware of what was going on. Gon wasn't really the brightest, especially when it came to dividing hos attention. The best he could do was try- but even then? It didn't really do much. 

Killua seemed hesitant.. was the situation bothering him? Would Gon actually have to explain? The thought was eerie, but tolerable. Gon would figure out how to handle it- He always ended up figuring something out. Well, usually he had the help of others, but still. He has this! It'll be fine. Everything will be fine.

"Aweee alright, Killua! But it really wasn't that big of a deal..!" He whined once more, doing a pout with his lips. He really didn't want this to become a big situation. But maybe that was inevitable? Killua had it on mind, and although he just dropped it, it wouldn't be surprising if he brought it up again. Erika knew of it as well, and she seemed to have *some* sort of feelings about it. Gon himself was bothered by it, too.

This situation wasn't something that would just go away. It lingered in they air like a pungent perfume, and it had no intention of being fanned away. Gon's main concern was that he'd have to tell Killua the feelings- He really did believe that Killua didn't think of him like that. He had no way to tell, either. Killua was a master of his own emotions- he knew how to suppress and conceal them well. Gon really had no chance of truly finding out. What if he confessed to Killua, and was turned down? Would their friendship become awkward, or even worse, end due to the lack of reciprocation? Gon was terrified. And he was usually never scared. Maybe the reason is because it was him- because it was Killua Zoldyck. 

Suddenly, there were hands on Gon's arms. Not just anyones hands- *his* hands. The sudden contact caused Gon to jolt, and turn his head to face Killua. Freecs was never this jumpy before- it was obvious he still wasn't completely calm. His face was totally red once again, and he started to laugh nevously, once again avoiding eye contact. He let himself be moved by the other, worrying that Killua would put two and two together- Gon was flustered because of Killua. Gon Freecs has feelings for Killua Zoldyck. 

"Right. right! I got it! This is serious business so I need to get my head on straight!" Gon spoke in a serious tone, yet ended it with a laugh. The emotions he was trying to cover up with this were most likely shining through, as Gons tone and blush contradicted themselves. Everything he did was contradictory to what he was trying to convey. He wasn't out together. He wasn't focused, and he didn't see Killua as just a friend.

Often, Killua thought back to the first time he realized he had feelings for Gon. While the feelings were brewing all throughout the hunter exam, they really presented themselves when Killua went with Gon back to his home island. Before that, Killua had only been to different places for jobs. The sightseeing was quick, unappreciated, and he usually wasnt there for long. The only chance he had to experience beauty was when he had to kill. This all changed when he went to the island. It was so... homey. Peaceful. Killua could see how Gon's light emerged from this place. He remembered... the break through. When they were simply watching the stars, and Killua looked over at his friend. For some reason.. it clicked. A simple moment really, but so eyeopening. His stomach fluttered, and his face heated up. In fact, he recognized the pain that came along with the fast beating of his heart. He *loved* Gon. Of course he did- didnt everyone? But this was a type of love he couldnt tell anyone. And, he still hasnt. Its scary to realize things like that, because mentioning it to the other person would ruin things. So the only other plausible option was to hide it. Killua did that, but quickly realized how hard it was. It bottled up inside, and the feelings only got stronger with time.

Well, anyways, the reason that was brought up was because of the look he saw on Gon's face. Killua didnt think too much about helping the other stretch- it wasnt the first time, and he wanted to further lecture the boy. So, of course shock and confusion bottled up when he saw an odd flustered look on his friends face. In fact, a thought that passed was.. Killua probably looked like that when he thought of Gon as a love interest. Needless to say.. there was a lot to process. First up, doubt.

There was no way Gon could be thinking of them as a couple, right? Killua must be reading too into the lines. It was impossible. If Gon realized that, he wouldve confessed immediately, right? He was so straightforward! But.. why else would Gon be looking like that? Killua thought back to the incident earlier. He remembered the feelings of their hands gently brushing against eachother as they walked. Killua felt the need to face palm. *That* was what caused Gon to turn all red, wasnt it? Not Erika. Not a sickness.

Did... Gon like him?

It seemed too good to be true, really. Killua didnt feel like he had the right to question that. Was it really possible? He always dwelled on *his* romantic feelings, and just chalked it up to him not being compatible to Gon. Besides, there wasnt really a way for Killua to express how he felt subtly- since he had never even experienced it before. It was like if he tried to let a little out, *all* of it would come out, like a flood, and he wouldnt be able to stop it. That was the reason he simply stared. The simplest option. Killua was looking now, too. He looked back at Erika, saw she was distracted, and then started dragging Gon deeper into the woods. Killua couldnt let this go, as much as he wanted to. Even if it wasnt romantic feelings, he needed to know why Gon was acting the way he was. Killua's stomach hurt, and the anxiety was coming back. He didnt want to confess. Not when he was this unsure. That would be way too risky! Every step he made away fron Erika, and further into the forest- and more alone with Gon- caused the ball in his throat form larger and larger. He had to be careful not to burst.. his feelings were way off at the moment.

After a bit of quiet, silent walking, Killua stopped. He turned his body towards Gon, his expression serious. He took a few more breaths- trying to gather the strength to even speak. "Gon-" He started off, slow. There was still so much doubt- doubt, anxiety, and a small amount of hope.

What if it was true? What if Gon loved him in that way? Would they date? Would it be like hes fantasized? "This is getting ridiculous... can you- can you tell me whats going on?" He sighed slowly, putting his hands in his pockets. His gaze stayed on the ground, and silently he crushed a bug that was walking by. "I dont like whatever weird tension thats formed. So be honest, okay?"


	6. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lol??? f slurs

Gon was in a full on panic. He *really* had no fucking clue what to do. It was in this moment that he got that confirmation he so desired not too long before this incident. Gon was in love- no doubt about it. The way his heart fluttered at the touch of the other boy, and the way he felt his lungs refuse to accept air when his heart skipped multiple beats during it's race against nothing... it all made sense. Gon was never so sure of something before- he was one hundred percent in love with Killua, and now that he knew it he had no clue how to deal with it. All of it hit him like a fucking train. He was sitting on the train tracks, staring at the sky. Then the train came along and crashed into him. When it hit him, it dropped some of it's items. Knowledge, fear, and an inability to think.

Mentally, he was shutting down. Killuas hands burned against him, the contact had him swooning, and out of breath. He had never felt so thoroughly flustered before. And what made it worse, was that Gon could see Killua's brain gears turning. He was going to figure it out, wasn't he? Gon started breaking out in a nervous sweat, and his eyes darted around. The dark haired boy didn't know how to free himself from the others grasp- not that he *wanted* to stop being held by Killua, but he felt as if he needed to. The entirety of his friendship depended on it. But there were no outs, and soon enough he was being pulled along.

There was nothing that could be done. Whatever happened was what happened. This was out of Gons control now. He looked around as he was dragged, watchinhg as Erika faded into the distance. The gold covered playground faded from view, too. The sun was also setting. As they got further, the beautiful sunset dulled out. There was light, but not anything gorgeous like before. Once they came to a stop, Gon started shuffling his feet, and kicked the grass. He looked up at Killua when he (Killua) turned to look at him. There was a serious expression on his face, and it only made Gon all the more nervous. He braced himself for whatever horrible thing could come- of course he didn't know what horrible thing could come, but he wanted to be prepared. 

When the question finally came from Killuas mouth, Gom just stood there for a moment. How should he respond to this? Just straight up confesss? no.. too reckless. Of course, he had to say something. And, Gon was in fact known to be reckless. So maybe his best option would be to just.. come clean. But that's too much. He can't just lay it all out when he was likely to get turned down. But he couldn't escape this.

"Killua.. it's really not *that* bad.." Gon started, trying to figure out how to word it. He put his hand on his chin and looked up, tapping his foot. "when I think about you, I feel really weird. My head hurts and my heartstarts racing.. I also feel like I have butterflies in my stomach." There was a missing patch in the grass from where Gon was digging his foot. 

"I didn't understand it until you grabbed my arms but.. I think I have feelings for you, Killua."

There were no real expectations set for their conversation. Honestly, Killua expected Gon to be dismissive, like before. Maybe it wouldve died down eventually. But Killua simply wasnt prepared for the words that he had heard. While he had his suspicions- something made him in denial about the thought of Gon having the same feelings as him. It didnt seem realistic. Maybe it was the prolonged time that Killua had spent being the only person to have realized their feelings. Or, perhaps it was Killua simply being too insecure to ever think that he would catch his friend's eye. Either way, once Killua properly processed Gon's words, the air he inhaled seemed sharper. It burned, but he couldnt help the quick, inconsistent breaths he was taking. The scenery around them was odd. Sun almost seemed to blind him at the moment, but it was everywhere. Or, maybe, it was the light standing right in front of him. Killua swallowed thickly, and he was shaking even harsher than before. Not from anxiety. No, at the moment, Killua was numb to any fear or nervousness. In fact, he felt the opposite. 

He was happy.

No, in all seriousness, he was very happy. Although, he felt like he couldnt breathe. Gon just confessed. Gon. Gon liked him. Now, he didnt know if it was on the same level as himself, but that didnt matter at the moment. Killua stared, like he always did. He admired the one person who showed him how great and fun and adventurous life could be. The sun, the trees, it all accented the complexion of Gon. Killua regularly appreciated his friend, but this was on another level. Who was he looking at, exactly? Why did this one boy have to make him so elated? It wasnt fair. Being an assassin was much easier than staring at this straightforward. Submitting to the darkness was much easier than being blinded by the light. And yet... he was attracted to it. No matter the challenge, he found himself beside his friend.

Scratch that- Gon was so much more to him than a simple *friend*...

Maybe soulmate was a better word.

Killua felt his eyes burning. And, shorter after, a small droplet landed on his shoe. He looked down, a little confused. How did that happen? Usually- Usually he was able to stop that. But... he couldnt now. No, even as he grabbed at his face- even as he wiped and wiped and wiped, the tears wouldnt stop falling. Killua balled his hands into fists to stop the shaking. He really tried to control his breathing, but it was like swallowing nails. So instead... he was basically hyperventilating. Killua felt his face warm up in embarrassment. Usually things didnt play out this way. He knew though that there was no way of stopping it. He liked to pretend that his emotions were dulled- it made them easier to handle. Killua knew that wasnt the truth, though. And he was currently proving that with his little sob sesh. He turned his body away from Gon, and continued to silently wipe the tears. What was he supposed to do? He hadnt even responded to Gon's confession. He wanted to- he wanted to say how he felt. And for how long hes felt it. And how happy he was.

Gon said it. He admitted how he felt. He was direct, straightforward, and honest. He confessed in a way most like him, and he had no clue what to expect. Naturally, he expected to be crushed emotionally. He expected that Killua would say he's being dumb, or turn him down. Or maybe, a combination of the both. Freecs really believed that the Zoldyck in front of him didn't replicate the feelings Gon had recently accepted. 

The thing is, Gon had felt this way for years. He was simply in denial. The denial was long-lasting, and persistent. It was strong-willed, and finally managed to break. The fear pf rejection, and the disbelief in Killua motivated it for so long. But the facade he had blissfully lived under had shattered. With every second that passed, Gon was more sure of his feelings. In fact, he's never been so sure of anything before. And that? That was terrifying. Gon was so sure of how he felt, but he had no clue about Killuas side of things. Killua was a member of the Zoldycks, a family of assassins. He was trained not to feel, and he never experienced true love. So.. there was no way of telling. Killua hid his emotions well, and there was a large chance that he was unwilling to feel love, or to accept it in his life.

After Gon admitted what he felt, he smiled. He tried to keep his cheeky grin up. He had already shown enough vulnerability at this point. The most he could do now is show how confident he was in this emotion. But the smile dwindled. He watched intently as Killua started to shed tears- a sight that was more rare than a copy of Greed Island. The smile completely dropped when Killua turned around. *Fuck*. Gon must've really messed up, huh? He made Killua *cry*. If he knew that this would be the result of him being honest, he would've gone with his initial game plan of acting like nothing happened. Stupid, stupid boy. Gon should've realized that confessing was stupid. Killua always told Gon to silence himself when he said kind things..

Gon always assumed that Killua was being playful in these moments, but maybe that wasn't the case at all. Maybe for all these years, Gon was just pushing Killuas buttons. Maybe he really did hate Gon's kindness. Is it possible that Killua didn't just hate Gons behavior, but Gon himself? As soon as the thought arose, Gon felt his stomach churn. His throat clenched, and he swallowed hard. He wasn't going to cry about this- and definitely not here. But Gon was now realizing that he made a big mistake. He shouldn't have said anything. He should've seen the signs. Of course Killua doesn't like him back! He felt so stupid for even considering it. And most importantly, of course Killua didn't even like Gon, not even as a friend. These thoughts came crashing down, and Gon really had no idea what to do. He was so goddamn naive- how could he possibly think that he could be special enough to earn any amount of Killuas affections? 

He had a hand reached out, wanting to comfort Killua. But would he want the contact? Would Killua cower away from the touch and push Gon away? The teen was.. extremely unsure. In this moment, the friendship he had for the past however many years... four perhaps...? was all crashing down before him. It all felt like lies. Maybe none of this was honest. None of it felt right anymore. Stupid, stupid Gon. He just singlehandedly destroyed his favorite thing. 

"i'm... i'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." He dropped his hand, and instead wrapped his arms around himself. All he wanted was to try to comfort Killua, but he had no clue how to so. It was a lost cause. 

Gon dropped his head, and looked at the ground. Instead of continuing the first hole in the grass that he created, he started to dig another one. In this moment, Gon really had no clue what to do. The past few moments felt like weeks of agony. Within a few seconds, Gon destroyed everything. Or maybe he was overreacting> He really had no clue- but from the looks of it, things were bad.

Killua Zoldyck. That last name haunted him. Zoldyck. Scary, cold, murderous. Ever since Killua was born, it was almost like he was destined to fall into the pattern of his family. He would eventually end up closed off, unloving. His life was destined to stay in the darkness for as long as he was alive. Except, Gon changed that. The way he looked at life completely flipped. He was so grateful for him, so grateful because he was *saved*. The years of torment and torture he had endured before hand were damaging, but when he was around Gon, they hurt less. He was like an angel. Honestly- it was so aweing to think that Gon had feelings for him. Killua realized now that since his tears werent out of fear, regreat, sadness or guilt. He was simply.. giddy. Happy. But he realized that it wasnt going to come off that way. It was never nice to see someone cry, and Killua had experienced that first hand. He knew he should explain himself.. but he needed a moment. The rapid breathes he was taking would eventually wear off, he just needed a bit more time.

He heard Gon talk, and for a moment he was confused. Why was he sorry? And, better yet, why did he sound so heart broken? Quickly, Killua turned around to face Gon. The tears had stopped falling so rapidly- so of course it was easier to wipe them off. He slowly took a step towards the other. Speak. Say something! Comfort him! Look at his face! You did that! Killua sucked in some breath, and avoided eye contact as he spoke. "No- No, dont-" He stuttered, then gave up on the attempted speech. He sounded pathetic. So broken up between breaths. Killua wasnt satisfied to settle for just that, though. It wasnt far to Gon to feel so bad because he (Killua) couldnt figure out how to respond. So, instead, he got closer to the other boy. Really close. Killua hugged the other, and rested his chin on Gon's shoulder. He closed his eyes, and squeezed. The warmth felt so nice and inviting.

He realized now that even though theyve been friends for so long, the two were never clingy. That was probably Killua's fault, though. Physical affection wasnt something he was used too- and trying that out with Gon would 100% cause him to freak out. Except now, of course.

The silence wasnt really broken. He let the sun bathe them both, and slowly, Killua's breathing returned to normal. Even then, he didnt pull away. He felt the most comfortable he had ever been. Softly, he pressed his lips on the other's shoulder, and smiled. He wanted to wait to say anything, especially since he was unsure whether or not the emotions would come flooding again. He was still embarassed that he began to cry in the first place... He was supposed to be cool about everything. Instead, he let his emotions take over. It was annoying, to say the least. And, in his self indulgence, he gave off the wrong message. He hoped Gon would forgive him.. Killua opened his eyes a bit to just stare at the greenery that surrounded them. He felt exhausted.. it had been years since he let himself cry that much. At least he did it infront of Gon.. but, he wouldve rathered it had been alone. Regardless, he was calmer now. More clear headed. 

"...Took you long enough to figure it out...."

Gon felt thuroughly broken. Nothing was as devestating as this. Nothing would ever hurt as much as the realization that Killua didn't like him at all. He really felt as if he could handle unreciprocated love, but this was worse. He *couldn't* handle this. The pain was simply unbearable. Gon felt like screaming out, and crying until he couldn't use his voice anymore. He has had his vocal chords damaged, and his limbs removed. But somehow.. this really was the most painful thing. It felt like someone placede burning coals in his chest, and decided that wasn't enough torture, so they threw a million nen infused spears at him. It hurt. Everything hurt.

Tears were quickly filling up in Gons eyes, and it stung. It burned. His whole body felt like it was on fire, and it was all so tense. His left hand gripped his right upper arm way too tightly- the bruise that would be left from that would be a physical reflection of a fraction of the emotional pain he felt. His heart felt pierced. It was horrible. Everything felt horrible. The tears broke loose, and started to fall. They came quicker and quicker, but he didn't dare make a sound. He was holding his breath, which is something he is good at. So he just stood there in silence, tears falling down his cheeks.

Killua spoke, but Gon couldn't bring himself to loook up. The words spoken couldn't even be processed in Gons brain- it was just sound. He could pick up that Killua's voice sounded broken, though. Was the situation really that bad? Usually he loved to hear Killuas voice and see his face, but right now.. he was overwhelmed. He was hurt. But that was all based off of assumptions. Large, mean assumptions that were out to ruin Gons very being. And? It really felt like they were succeeding. Freecs was aware of Killua moving closer- once again, he wasn't sure what to expect. What would Killua do? There was truly no way to tell- unless, of course, Gon just fucking looked up. But he couldn't do that.

He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling them burn as he did so. Then there was that warmth from before. Killua was... holding him. Gon really didn't expect that. The touch was soft, and not malicious at all. If killua really did hate him, he wouldn't be this kind. Gon was paralyzed by his pain, so he couldn't hug back. Simply, he rested his head on Killus shoulder, and let his breath go. For a moment, he was just sobbing. When the squeeze came, Gon's thoughts backtracked. How did he come to the idea that Killua hated him? It was such a strong assumption with no true basis. Killua obviously cared for Gon, whether or not he actually felt romantically for him.

Once Gons sobs faded off, and he regained stability, he wrapped his arms around Killua. A completed hug. But there was no intent of backing off or pulling away. They were friends. Gon still had no clue if they were gonna be anything more, but this was good enough for him, really. As long as he had Killua in his life, things would be fine.   
Upon hearing Killuas words, Gon laughed a small, painful laugh. 

"Sorry about that... I really had no clue!" Gon still had no clue as to where Killua stood. But apparently, based off his (Killuas) statement, it was obvious that Gon harbored romantic feelings for Zoldyck. But, that led to the question.. if it was obvious, why didn't anyone ask about it? It was quite strange to think about. Maybe people did ask, and Gon misinterpreted, just like he did with Erika earlier. That led to another thought. Erika thought Gon and Kill were dating. So is it possible that Killua could in fact feel the same, and the tears were happy instead of.. something negative? Well, asking wouldn't hurt.

"But.. why were you crying?" Mentally, Gon crossed his fingers. This could be good- and he really hoped it would be. He took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. The two had cried enough.

The last thing Killua ever wanted to do was hurt Gon. He knew that if he ever did- or, when he did, it would destroy him mentally. His best friend was too important to them. Killua himself knew the pain that came from being so betrayed by someone you were close to. Coming from a family of assassins, he knew that he had the ability to snap. To hurt Gon so bad that he wouldnt heal. Having that ability was more of a curse than anything else. Of course, he harbored no ill feelings towards Gon. He, if anything, wanted to protect his friend. Sometimes, though, trying to help would end up hurting the person more than intended. Killua liked to think back on his brother, Illumi. But he was still holding a grudge against him. Regardless, he knew that Illumi wanted to help him come home. In the end, he ended up scaring Killua away.

Was Killua going to do that to Gon? Could he stop it?

The guilt that built up in the back of his head was making itself known. He made Gon cry. He made Gon cry because he thought he was getting rejected. Why couldnt Killua just say how he felt? It made no sense. Obviously the feelings were mutual. At least, it *seemed* obvious. He did notice though that Gon was still oblivious to that point. Killua sighed slowly. He wouldve preferred a more planned situation, since this was so imoortant. Especially since now he was so disoriented, and occupied. Killua wanted to make things better. He needed to! Its what his friend deserved. If Gon could constantly lift up and elate Killua, he should at least .... attempt to do the same.

Killua listened to the question, and felt the butterflies in his stomach flutter. God. He still wasnt really prepared. Slowly, he pulled away from the hug, and took a step back. For some reason, *now* was the time that the awkwardness overcame him. His thoughts were racing, and he was obviously flustered. Of course, he had thought of this very moment happened. He had imagined it more times than he could count! Needless to say, though, its easier said than done. He swallowed thickly, and avoided the other's gaze. His hand rested on the back of his neck, where the fidgeted with a short strand of his hair. How was he even supposed to start? How was he supposed to somehow filter all of his feelings towards Gon in a simple answer? Killua bit the inside of his cheeks, thinking.

"I was just... happy," He started off, obviously hesitant. "since I've wanted to hear you say that for a pretty long time." Killua wanted to slap himself. How lame was that? He had a lot he still wanted to say. Or, he thought he wanted to. In all honesty, he had no way to properly say what he was feeling. There werent any words that could truly explain and convey how much he appreciated Gon. 

"I love you."


	7. confessions part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> f slurs part two

After Gon asked his questions, he listened well and patiently. He had always been a good listener- his senses were very amplified, and they've been for as long as he could remember. So those skills were coming in handy- sort of. He wanted to listen to every word the other said, and hear the melody that was Killua's voice. He wanted *answers*. But the melody from the others mouth was grimm, and sorrow filled. Gon feared that the response would be like the previous songs that were so short, yet so painful. 

Killua pulled away from the hug, which left Gon a little more confused. Only momentarily, though. It was natural for someone to break a long hug to speak to the other. Plus, this conversation wasn't exactly one to have with voices muffled by the others shoulders. It was serious! They should have a little bit of distance, and they should look at each other. At least, the best they can. Gon immediately missed the warmth of Killuas body on his own, but he wasn't going to whine or complain about it. They had never been too physically affectionate before, but that was because Gon assumed Killua wouldn't like that very much. So the contact.. it was really nice. It was something new, and something long overdue. From just that hug, it was most likely obvious that the two had waited a very long time just for that contact.

The first words Killua said brought a smile to his face. He was happy crying. Of course he was happy crying. That made so much more sense than breaking down because your best friend of like four years was acting weird all day and then suddenly told you that they're probably in love with you. Crying didn't always have to be negative- Gon was an idiot for forgetting that. Gon could tell that Killua was carefully constructing his words, as they initially came out slowly and with a feign appearance of hesitance. Could it be possible that this was a scenario already envisioned? Or was Killua genuinely being that careful? Gon didn't have to wonder for long.

Killua answered the questions that sparked in Gons mind faster than he expected. At hearing him (Killua) speak, Gon felt the butterflies in his chest take over. He wiped his tears and pursed his lips, trying to look a little bit less of a mess. Of course, he made it look like he wasn't exactly taking things seriously, but he really just wanted to stop looking like he was crying. After Killua finished speaking- or at least, Gon thought he was done- he smiled really big, and looked up at Killua. Voluntary eye contact.

"You have?" Was all he could muster in response. If Killua had wanted to hear Gon admit that for a long time, that meant... holy fuck. Gons eyes lit up with realization, and he tried to suppress the even bigger smile that wanted to take over his current one. How could he be so lucky? He found out he was in love with his best friend, confessed, only to find out it was mutual. Well, assumed mutual. Unless Killua just really really wanted some sort of weird kick of validation, and not actual feelings, it was mutual. And Killua wouldn't play that intensely with Gons emotions- Gon himself was aware of that. He had a stupid little grin on his face, and his stomach was doing cartwheels. His cheeks were pink, and he was fucking elated. 

And then he heard it. The three words he never thought he'd hear- in fact, he never even considered them a possibility. There wasn't enough time between his realization and now to plan and dwell and worry. All he had was the few seconds where Killua cried, and the few minutes beforehand. Killua had multiple years, which meant that those anxieties were most likely more persistent and strong than the ones Gon experienced. Upon this realization, Gon felt quite bad. He probably put Killua through so much pain that he had to suffer through silently, all because he himself couldn't come to terms with his own feelings. But Gon didn't have time to dwell on that. After all, Killua just laid his own heart on the line. He is in love.

Gon had a moment of mental panic, unsure of what to say. Instinct said to say it back, but he really didn't want to make the wrong choice. But, ultimately, it's what felt right.

"I love you too, Killua."

The words felt natural, and saying them gave Gon relief of a tension he held for so long, that he didn't even know he had. All of his previous anxieties felt ridiculous, and they were to be forgotten. But... what was to happen next? They both confessed, now what? Gon had no idea how relationships worked, so he really had no clue what to do from here on out. Does he get the privilege of calling Killua his boyfriend, or was that to come later? He really was unsure. But he wasn't going to bother with those questions just yet- he just wanted to enjoy this moment. For all that mattered, everything was perfect.

Hearing words and saying them felt two different ways. Killua felt the urge to cry again. To be honest, it was a little annoying. He was able to keep it down this time, but was still pretty moved. Gon *loved* him. Actually. Completely and entirely, it was confirmed. He examined Gon, his breathing increasing a little as he saw the brightness in his eyes. Killua smiled, feeling a little stupid. He really liked to overthink things, didnt he? Years and years of worry, of anxiety, and hopelessness. It all seemed so silly now. Why didnt he realize it before? He knew just from the way Gon looked at him.. They loved eachother for awhile now, havent they? He thought back to their adventures, their sleepovers, their calls and texts. Sure, those could all be passed off as "friends". There was always something more, though. A hidden emotion, something that they both felt. 

Soulmates. Killua felt warm when he thought of the word. To think that Gon was always going to save him... it was nice. He wish he had that reassurance when he was younger. Regardless, they were meant to be together, that was for sure. Killua didnt think that he would ever find someone that made him as happy as Gon did. Killua ended up breaking eyecontact. Once again, he felt like it was too bright to stare directly at. They sat in silence. Once again, Killua wished it was night out. An environment he would thrive in seemed more ideal... plus, the light, both from Gon and the sun, distracted him. He needed to actually think alone for once. What should he do? What should he say? He didnt know how relationships worked. either. Hell, he didnt really even know what true love was until he met Gon. In terms of affections and romantic things, Killua was utterly lost.

Killua sometimes thought about kissing Gon. Its embarrassing to admit, but it happened more often than he needed it. All it ended up doing was make him flustered. Besides, Killua didnt even know how to kiss! He'd never even dated anyone. He did know that Gon was a little more advanced in the physical aspects of relationships... so does that mean he should let *him* initiate it? But what if Gon didnt pick up at that hint, and then the moment would pass entirely? Killua didnt want to attempt something himself, and then mess something up. He found himself shaking a bit more again. Slowly, he approached Gon. He didnt do anything, though. No hugging, kissing, or even hand holding. Not even eyecontact. His face was bright red, though. It was obvious he wanted *something* to happen, but was too shy to do so. 

"You always... thank *me*.." He muttered eventually. "I think thats stupid. I should be the one thanking you. You changed my life, Gon. So... thank you for bringing light into my life."

Saying that he loved Killua... it felt natural. It's as if the world was created solely for these two to exist, and that these two teens existed for the sole purpose of loving each other. Gon never worried about purpose before. In fact, it was something he barely ever thought about. But.. in this moment, it came up. His purpose? To be with Killua. To cherish him, love him, and be there for him no matter what. Gon was dedicated to him- he's been for so long. 

Ever since they met, they had a bond stronger than anything Gon had felt before. He never understood what was so different about it, but he was always aware that there was something there. If he were to reminisce, he'd see that he felt this way for so long. That night on the island when they watched the stars.. that's when Gon started suppressing this feeling. That night.. he realized something about how he felt for Killa was in fact not normal, but he pushed it down immediately. Throughout the many following years, he worked hard to keep that suppressed. New, though, he wished he didn't suppress it. If he didn't, Killua wouldn't have had all those years of heartache. And then, they wouldn't have had to wait so damn long. Gon really did feel bad for making Killua wait so long. He really hoped he could make that up now, but he was unsure if he would be able to heal years of hurt. But, he was determined to try. 

Upon thinking further, Freecss was starting to realize how obvious it was. Killua had loved him for all of this time- and it showed in almost every interaction they had. Gon, of course, was just oblivious to it all. But knowing this now, it explained so much. The longing stares, the frequent blushing, and how easily Killua would get flustered by Gon. It was all clicking. Everything suddenly made sense. Killua never hated him- he was just in love, and he has been for a long time. It was that simple.

Gon mentally scolded himself for not realizing sooner, but he knew deep down he couldn't help being so naïve.

Intently, Gon watched as Killua approached. His heart started racing once again, and he analyzed the look on Killua's face. He was more flustered than Gon had ever seen, and it was.. really fucking cute. Seeing Killua like that gave him butterflies, and it made him genuinely happy. It was one of the best sights he'd ever seen. Although Killua wasn't the feign of innocence, the look on his face held such a pure aura, despite the unsure intent that flew around with it. It was sweet, and it was giddy. Killua was happy, and so was Gon. It was quite obvious that Killua wanted something- but without an action or a statement, Gon was unsure of what to do. But he figured he had to do *something*. So, he too approached. There was a small space between them, and Gon was red. Softly, he took Killuas hands into his own. 

"You're welcome.. but you really do deserve thanks! You've changed my life, too." Gon shifted his eyes up to Killuas, and then down to his (Killuas) lips, and then to their linked hands. Then, his eyes found their way to Killuas once again. Quietly, he laughed. 

"I'm not sure if we're supposed to kiss but if we are, I really have no idea how to do that.." His voice was quiet, but he was smiling brightly. He wanted the contact, too. But, he had no idea on how to get it. He was inexperienced. How embarrassing would it be if he tried to do something but messed up? Very, that's what. So.. he was honest, and admitted he had no clue what he was doing. He hoped that by bringing it up, though, it would communicate that it's what he wants.

One thing Killua always appreciated about Gon was his straight forward-ness. Well, he didnt always *appreciate* it, but he definitely acknowledged it. It was refreshing to be around someone so different, especially because they could help in certain situations. With Gon being so confident in basically everything, it aspired Killua to do the same. He too looked at their hands, and intertwined their fingers. It was... a new experience, to say the least. Of course, its not like he never got close to Gon physically... theyve leaned on eachother, high fived, etc. The context changed the way he felt about it, though. Gently, he squeezed the other's hand. Unlike Gon, he didnt look up at all. Instead, he persisted with his lack of eye contact. That was, until he heard what Gon had to say. Of course, Killua *was* thinking just before about kissing him. Why should he be embarrassed? He didnt know, but just hearing that be said into existence.. made him feel flustered. His stomach churned, and he quickly glanced up at the boy infront of him. 

Gon was smiling. Honestly... what else should he expect? That smile was so blinding. So happy, and sweet. Killua was stuck staring longer than usual. He suppressed his own smile that he was holding, and instead chose to scold him. "Youre an idiot... who says stuff like that..." He thought, then continued quietly. "...I dont know how to do it, either. So, what should we do?" While it was a bit silly, the question was completely genuine. He trusted Gon's judgement, and always seemed to find the answers he needed when he asked for them. Killua knew that the both of them were inexperienced- and that they were scared of embarrassment. But what would be embarassing if they both knew where they stood? Even then, though, he found it difficult to actually just *go* for it.

This hesitance of course brought him into a spiral. A situation scared him. There was no guaranteed outcome. He wanted to run away from it. But.. that wasnt right...he *did* want to kiss Gon! He knew he did. Killua became a little frusterated. His whole body was telling him to back away. Step back, and go home, and distract yourself. This is too scary. Youre shaking! Just give up. Why face it when the outcome can be worse? He closed his eyes for a moment, very brief, just to calm and control his breathing. This really, really wasnt what he needed right now. The doubt always came creeping in at the worst moments. And, whats worse is that the feelings really drive the idea home that Killua will always run away from the things hes afraid of. Coward. He was a coward, that was true. Even so... right now, he knew that Gon wouldn't let him run away from his emotions. He knew that with him, he would have at least a bit more strength than usual. A bit more control. That thought alone was comforting.

Averting his gaze once again, Gon anticipated a response. He wasn’t truly sure if Killuas goal was to kiss, so he really just had to hope he didn’t make a fool of himself by asking. If Killua *didn’t* want to kiss, it totally would seem like Gon was rushing into things! After all, they just now confessed. Although Gon knew practically nothing of relationships, he knew well enough that most people don’t instantly start kissing when they admit feelings for eachother. It was quick paced and strange, or something like that. But that really didn’t change the fact that Gon *wanted* to kiss Killua, and that he probably has for a long while. He has always craved something from Killua, but in his bout of denial, he never really recognized what it was. Now, though, Freecss was aware that all along he just wanted contact. It didn’t really matter what type of contact, but Gon could now amount it up to kissing. It’s not like they hadn’t kissed before- but those circumstances were different, and they were just kids back then. Things were totally different now. 

When Killua’s scolding came along, Gon couldn’t help but chuckle. His thumb rubbed on Killuas hand, and his eyes shut momentarily. Before the playful scolding, Gon noticed Killua staring again. How did he not realize it sooner? Nobody stares at someone they like platonically like that- and Killua had been doing this for years. That small pang of guilt arose once more, but Gon pushed it down. He really had no clue- His naïveté pursued for so long. What mattered was that now he knew. Now, he could make it up to him. They could be together, and they could be happy. If that’s what Killua wants, at least.

But it’s a safe assumption to say it is what he wants. 

Comfort came to Gon as Killua admitted his own experience. If neither of them knew what they were doing, then there really wasn’t much to be worried about. They could learn together, and they could make fun of each other for it later on. But ultimately, this was best case scenario. Knowing now that they were on the same level, Gon felt it safe to initiate it. Killua didn’t seem appalled by the idea, so it was okay, right?

“Well, I guess we could just try and see what happens..!” And with that, Gon put his lips on Killua’s. There was a small amount of hesitation, but that was from his nerves. He had never done this before. This... this is his first kiss, and presumably Killua’s, too. But something about leaning in for it felt so damn right, and it seemed like everything he’s ever done has built up to this. He was soft, and careful. Just a peck. A small, quick kiss. Before Killua even had the chance to react, Gon pulled away, his face burning red. 

“Now you try!” He suggested this, but it came off more as a demand. Of course, if Killua didn’t want to try to initiate a kiss, he doesn’t have to. But Gon didn’t clarify that. It *should* be implied, so it wasn’t too big of a worry. But that initial kiss.. it felt perfect. Gon wasn’t exactly sure if it counted, since it was so fast, but it was enough for a thrill. His heart was racing, and his hands were tightly gripping onto Killua’s. Although he wasn’t in a live threatening situation, he was getting the same kick out of this like he would if he was in one. How strange is that? But this adrenaline.. it’s addicting. Gon knew that, and he really hoped for it to last just a little bit longer. Come on, Killua. Kiss him, Killua. It’s what he wants.

When he was younger, Killua went through rigorous training to become an assassin. Who knew amiright. Anyways, in said training, he needed to constantly be aware of his surroundings. No where was safe, and everyone was an enemy. It was easy to fall back into that mindset, especially since it never really failed to protect him. Hence why at the moment, Killua was extremely tense. When he felt Gon's thumb, his nerves shocked him. He had the amount of adrenaline he needed for a fight or flight reaction, and honestly, he was leaning more towards the flight option. This type of situation was new to him, and he would be lying if he said he wasnt scared. Still, though, he forced himself to stay in one place. Killua wasnt about to ruin such an important moment. And, even though he was embarrassed, he knew that somehow Gon would continue, and make him feel better. So, when the othet spoke, Killua lifted his head up with interest.

....Needless to say, he wasnt expecting the kiss. It was abrupt, and honestly shocked Killua a little. Then again.. what else could he expect? This was Gon Freecss he was talking about. The kiss was short- and Killua didnt really get a chance to process it. All he knew was that after it, his lips were tingling And, of course, his face was steaming. He stood there for a moment, and let go of Gons hand to softly touch his own lips. What the hell... he balled his hand into a fist, especially when he heard Gon say that he had to try it, too. How was he supposed to do *anything* after what just happened! His thoughts were everywhere, and it was taking all of his strength to stay in one place. He was honestly speechless. So.. he didnt say anything when he gently held Gon's face with both of his hands. The silence seemed suffocating, and Killua wanted it to end. He furrowed his eyebrows, and scoffed. "That was basically a headbutt! How am i supposed to react to that!!! huh!!!"

Killua leaned in close enough to Gon's face, but didnt quite make the contact yet."Im totally clueless about this stuff.. so dont bring it up if i do bad. okay?" And, with that, he met his lips with Gon's, and kissed softly. Of course, it wasnt that long either, but it definitely wasnt as quick and short as the previous one. He pulled away slowly, his breaths a bit shakier than he wouldve preferred. He let his head hang so Gon wouldnt see how flustered he was. His hands didnt pull away from the other's face, though. Killua was about to look at Gon when instead he jerked it the other way. Erika. She was just *standing* there... watching. Quickly, he backed away from Gon, and put his hands in his pockets. Stupid.... he was too enthralled with Gon that he didnt even check to pay attention to his surroundings. That was so dangerous! What if, instead of Erika, it was someone who was actually a threat? He needed to be more careful. And no i am not writing a thing for erika she is just standing there ok...


	8. Stalker??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> erika ruins the moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before now, my friend was writing Erika. From here on out, i am writing her until i state otherwise.

After witnessing Killua drag Gon off, interest sparked in Erikas mind. There was nothing that she witnessed that should lead up to Killua storming off, and dragging the shorter boy with him. But alas, it still happened. Knowing Killua is a member of the Zoldyck family really scared the shit out of her. It was obvious Gon really loved and cared for Killua, but Erika really couldn’t trust him. She *expected* for Gon to get hurt. And as a self proclaimed great friend, she couldn’t let this murderous, horrible, terrifying man drag away Gon. Well, she could let him, and she absolutely would. But, she wasn’t going to leave them unsupervised. If things got bad, she wanted to be there to protect Gon. She was the better person, the better friend. And she would never put him in any danger. So she followed them. 

It’s not like her main goal was to prove herself better or anything- it was simply a bonus. She wanted to pry Gon and Killua apart. Killua doesnt *deserve* Gon. Killua is dark, and Gon isn’t. Gon is sweet, gullible, and energetic. He doesn’t need to be dampened out by anyone- especially a Zoldyck. Anyways, Erika followed them. She made sure to be quiet, and keep a safe distance. She really couldn’t imagine her getting caught going well. 

Holding her breath, the pink haired girl watched Killua interrogate Gon. Gon... he looked so shaken up. And Killua looked lost. Her eyes darted back and forth between the two, and she was focusing as hard as she could. Then, Gon confessed. Of course, she knew damn well how Gon felt. After all, it wad a shock to her to find out the two of them *weren’t* dating. But now that she knew they weren’t, it was disappointing to watch Gon open up about it. In actuality, Erika regretted saying anything about the two being together. Maybe if she didn’t, Gon would’ve stayed oblivious. It would be so much easier to split them if Gon didn’t see Killua as a lover.

Erika watched as Killua broke down, and she instantly saw how upset Gon was. He was *hurting* Gon. Gon didn’t deserve to feel such pain. A part of her wanted to run out and comfort him, but she knew she had to wait. Killua was having a moment- if she walked out she would certainly be in danger.   
Hearing Gon speak through heartbreak gave her secondhand hurt. What the fuck was Killua doing? Why would he ever break something so precious?

And then the tears were over. The two were hugging, and speaking kind words. They were in love, and they both knew it. That was.. annoying, to say the least. Upon seeing them kiss, Erika had enough. She was gonna wait longer before coming out, but she didn’t want to wait anymore. And just when she started to approach, she made eye contact with the Zoldyck. Scowling at him, she walked on over to Gon, who was touching his lips, and blushing very very hard. Her best bet was to act like she didnt see anything- it at least not say anything about it.

Gon watched as Killua rubbed his lip,his grin getting larger than it already was. His stomach did backflips, and butterflies took shelter in his ribcage. Killua... Killua was so fucking cute. And Gon? Gon felt like the luckiest person to ever exist. Somehow, he was able to get someone like Killua to fall for someone like Gon- an energetic, naive optimist- which is practically the opposite of Killua himself. 

His face burned more at the contact of Killuas hands on his face, so much so that he felt the need to shut his eyes. But no! He *wanted* to see Killua. So he opened his eyes again, only to find the others face coming closer. His heart started to beat faster and faster in anticipation. This feeling was a drug, and he never wanted to get off of it. Killua stopped moving, leaving their lips with the smallest amount of space in between them. Gon could feel Killua’s breath, and he was sure that that went both ways. His heart was beating so quickly, and so loudly that he could feel it in his throat, and hear it clearly in his ears. When Killua spoke, it was just so... close. Gon wanted to nod in response, but the lack of space between them made him afraid to do so. 

“Alright. But you’ll do fine-“ And with that, their lips were in contact. Gon? Gon was fucking ascending. Momentarily, his heart stopped. Multiple beats were skipped. If there was a feeling that resembled heaven, that would be this. Heaven on earth was this.

This feeling- it was overwhelming. But it was also the best thing he’d ever experienced. He never wanted it to end. This was the best thing to ever happen in the history of ever. Gone made a mental note to absolutely do this again.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. Killua pulled away, and Gon instantly covered his face with his hands. Although the kiss wasn’t that long, Gon was rendered breathless. His lips tingled where Killuas were a few seconds prior. That was the most wonderful thing he had ever experienced. Killuas hands still lingered on Gons face, although he (Killua) was looking down. This only accelerated the current wave of emotions Gon currently felt. Noticing the movement of Killua’s head, he expected to go into another kiss, but Killua looked off, away from Gon. And then any and all contact was gone. The exhilarating moment was over, just like that. 

Curious, Gon turned his head to see what had deterred Killuas attention, and ruined the moment they were having. His eyes shot wide open, and he was thrown out of whatever daze he was in previous. Erika. Erika was standing right there, her arms crossed, and her head was tilted to the side. She had a sly smile on her face, which she instantly switched to a gaze of innocence when Gon looked over. A panic fell over Gon, and his eyes darted from Killua to Erika. 

“I- Um- I have to pee!! Bye!!!” And with that, Gon ran off. This was so embarrassing!! He was so caught up in his emotions- for anyone kther than Killua to see him in a state like that... it felt horrible. He was so.. decomposed and vulnerable. Which wasn’t exactly unnatural, but this was different. He needed to get out of there and calm down, so he left.


	9. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> killua and erika alone. oh no.

Before Erika even had a chance to say anything, Gon was off. A small “oh, okay” came out of her mouth, but she doubted Gon could hear. Her smile turned into a grimace, and she looked at Killua. She kept her distance- this guy is dangerous. She wasn’t really looking to get hurt. She looked at him up and down- his vibes really shifted once he noticed her, and she was able to pick that up with ease. But, he still was affected by the interaction with Gon. His aura and physical appearance contradicted each other. She didn’t really know what to say, but she felt the need to say *something*. 

“You’re gonna hurt him, you know that, right? You’re a Zoldyck- it’s in your blood. Lucky enough for Gon, *i’ll* be here for him when you do.”

Of course Erika would come and ruin everything. As soon as he made eyecontact with her, his thoughts scattered. How long had she been there? What did she see? He thought about him crying. That wasnt good. What happened between Gon and him was supposed to be private, for absolutely no one else to see. Therefore, it was an understatement to say that he was pretty pissed to see Erika just *standing* there. It was like a mockery to him. Listen, Killua knew that he wasnt the easiest person to get alomg with, but you would think that he would be granted some privacy, right? The mood lightened a little when Gon suddenly rushed off. It was cute to see him so embarrassed but... now he was alone with someone who obviously didnt like him too much. While he was still flustered, he made sure to calm himself down as soon as Gon fled. If Erika was going to try being threatening and ominous, he should show her how its done. Slowly, he breathed, and let Erika say whatever she needed to. Of course it was something to do with his family. Killua looked up at the sky, seemingly unbothered by her words.

"Listening to you is really hurting my ears. It sucks that Gon had to befriend such a tramp.." He smiled, and looked over at her. Slowly, he walked towards the girl, his hands behind his head. "Youre late to the party, lady. Go talk to everyone whos ever said that to me, and come back with something more orginal." He stopped infront of her, and looked her up and down. He knew that it was childish to play into whatever fight Erika had planned, but he didnt really care. If anything, he was glad to actually know that the feelings were mutual. Well, Killua was less scared of Erika and more annoyed of her presence, but who cares. They disliked eachother, end of story. He looked in the direction of where Gon went, and then back at Erika. Of course, he wanted to be as petty as possible. Mostly because he knew a physical battle would be too easy for him.

That was, of course, if Erika wasnt hiding anything under her sleeve. "I think its pretty funny that you think Gon would pick *you* to replace me. Even i know that he wouldnt settle for someone he just met! Cmon, Erika." Killua flicked her nose, then stretched a bit. "I know youre scared of me, but for convenience, stay out of the way. I dont know how much you saw, but i think you know how Gon feels about me. Itll be stupid to try and sabotage it, yknow?" He didnt really want to threaten her already. That in itself seemed cliche. Besides, he didnt want to rely on assassin techniques for something so minor. "Oh, we still need to train, dont we? Wanna try that with me? Only until Gon gets done peeing, so i dont think youll need to be too worried." Subtle, Killua. Invite the girl to a fight.

Erika scowled, knowing damn well her words should've been provocative. For him to look off and act is if they had no impact was extremely demeaning. She was *trying* to shake him up, but it seemed to have no affect at all. If Killua wasn't bothered by the idea of hurting Gon, what the hell was he going to do? This only instilled more worry, and more hatred in Erika. Every second that passed only set it in stone- Killua Zoldyck is a danger to Gon, and he needed to get gone. 

The way Killua approached.. scary! Erika's instinicts said to run away- after all, there was a trained asssassin approaching her- but she couldn't. Her own pride, and her own desire to protect Gon got in the way. She couldn't back down. So, she strengthened her grimace, and stuck out her toigue. Immature, sure, but she *really* didn't like him. Upon the contact, Erika shook her head and squinted her eyes. She didn't want that murderers filthy hands on her. Talk about fucking disgusting.

"You need to leave him alone. He may like you, but he can thrive without you. I recommend dropping him as soon as possible. If so many people have told you what I just said, there's got to be some truth in it." She leaned in a bit, closing her eyes and giving a fake smile. "You don't deserve to have someone as good as him, plain and simple. And he doesn't deserve to be cursed by your existence. Maybe your best bet would be to just fucking die. I would ask if I'm right, but we both know damn well that I am. I have no interest with training with you when Gon isn't here. But.." Eliza put a finger to her face, seemingly deep in thought, before continuing. "If I let you rough me up a bit, Gon might see you for the monster you are. After all, you would've hurt his poor, defenseless friend." She laughed a small, innocent laugh. "I know he and I just met, but he'll see how horrible you are for him soon enough. He'll realize that you only bring him down. After all, you're shrouded in darkness."

Erika stretched her arms, backing away from Killua. "I'd be careful if I were you. Play your cards as safe as you can, or get the fuck out, you brat. But! All of that is *totes* whatever. Who really cares if your friendship- no, *relationship* is on the line, right?"

Killua knew that he was getting on the girl's nerves. It gave him a little ego boost, if he was honest. When she stuck her tongue out, he rolled his eyes with a bit of a sigh. Immature. He could see why she and Gon would get along. Still, it was good to know that he scared her. Seeming threatening without actually doing anything scary was always considered good to him. That way he wouldnt *actually* have to do anything to win a fight. Unfortunately, though, it seems he wasnt quite scary enough for Erika. Maybe it was because of how stupid she was, but she did continue to taunt him. When she started off, he really didnt expect much. In fact, he was close to responding with some playful, yet sinister, banter. He didnt have the time to before she brought up suicide. He felt a little punch in the gut. She couldnt have possibly known that would set him off, right? But as he examined her smile... he knew this girl definitely wasnt like Gon. While on the outside they seemer similar, their morals and thought processes were as different as black and white.

He wanted to retaliate, but it wasnt good to show any weakness in that moment. So, instead he stayed still, just watching. Her words kept coming, and the last part... was this girl a mind reader? Or maybe she talked to his family. Either way, he was completely unnerved. Killua felt the urge to argue. To respond, and tell her that she was absolutely wrong. He wanted to use the words Gon used himself. But he couldnt. After all, how hypocritical would it be to refute claims against you if you knew for a fact that they were true? Or, at least, if you believed they were. He hated to think about it.. he knew he was simply a burden to Gon. Someone who would, inventively, betray him. Or run away. He was a coward, and not only that, a lying one. He lied to himself- gave himself excuses as to why he shouldnt leave Gon. Killua thought about it all the time, but he couldnt bring himself to. A weak, lying coward.

For some reason, her words hurt more than him thinking about it. Maybe it was because he now knew that it was obvious to other people. Or, maybe because it was simply doubling down on the idea. Killua watched Erika back away, and he scoffed at her words. She thought she was so smart, huh? Well, out of spite, he was going to listen to Gon for once. Or pretend to. As long as Erika was alive, he wasnt going to let *her* words get to him. Gon was happy with him. Gon loved him. He thought back to their kiss, the talk before that. There was no way that something like that would be so fragile, right? Especially since Gon felt really strongly about basically anything he cared about. He sighed, thinking of a way to put Erika in her place. She was right, he couldnt hurt her too seriously, otherwise Gon would be pretty pissed. As of now, he was wary of the delicate damsel in distress act. Still, it irked him that she had so much control over him. That fact didnt settle right.

Killua moved towards her once more, and quickly moved. He swept Erika's feet from under her, and promptly placed his foot on her stomach. He leaned forward, putting more pressure on her. His eyes darkened, and he maintained eyecontact. 

"You know *nothing* about Gon, or myself. Dont talk like youre some all knowing being. Youre *weak*. If i were really a good boyfriend, id kill you right now. Got that? Youre the one that needs to back off." He sighed, and looked away from her. "But for now, ill play the cards you dealt me. Maybe then youll get an idea of what youre up against." He moved his foot off of her, then spoke more audibly than before. "Oh, sorry! I thought you wouldve been able to block that. Hm? Whats that? You dont think you should train with us afterall? Damn... sorry, maybe next time?" He turned his head in the direction Gon went, and cupped his hands around his mouth so his words would echo. "Gon! Erika said she wanted to sit out. Besides, i dont think we would be able to train that well with her!"

e: In all honesty, Erika had no clue what would upset Killua. At this point, she was just pulling straws based off of educated guesses, in hopes things would work out. Although she feared him, she wanted to piss him the fuck off. Gon knew nothing of Erikas true self- if Killua were to snap and hurt her, Gon would walk away for sure, right? Erika didn’t really think her life was on the line, but it was an underlying fear. She still pushed it off, though. It was okay if she got hurt a little bit. Gon would be safe, and Killua would be hurt. It worked out. Nobody who works to kill others deserves a life- especially one with Gon. 

There was no way to tell if she had struck a nerve, so the most the pink haired girl could do was hope. She truly wanted him to be hurt. She wanted Killua to be in extraordinary pain, and she wanted him away from her and her friend. He was a rainy cloud in their sunny sky. Unwelcome, unfitting, and unwanted. Erika wanted him gone. Out of her life, and out of Gons. And then he would be gone, just as he should be. 

Suddenly, Erika was on the ground. In her own time speaking, she loosened her guard, just a little bit. But other than that, she really had no excuse. She knew damn well that she was nowhere near as strong as the two men she went out with today- she never trained in that kind of stuff. It was always so painfully... boring. But that’s beside the fact. Erika was now laying down, Killuas foot on her stomach. Her lip quivered, but that was the only sign of fear she expressed. She didn’t expect to be in this position- but it proved one thing. She struck a chord with Killua. Something she said provoked him, and hit him hard.

With this new information, she could beat him down more whenever she feels like it- and when Gon isn’t around, of course. 

“I know Gon well enough to know he deserves better. You may think you’re different and special, but no matter what, you’re still a Zoldyck through and through. You’re destined to hurt people.” Yes, she is still on the ground.   
“And I may be physically weak, but at least i’m not the one getting worked up over some shit a stranger said to them. You’re weak *mentally*, Killua Zoldyck. And that’s the worst place to have weakness. People can really fuck with you!” 

Now that Killuas foot was removed from her stomach, she sat up and leaned next to a nearby tree. 

“I’ll win. And for gods sake! I said i didn’t want to train with *just* you. I don’t trust you. I’m fine with training when Gon is around.” Erika looked in the direction he ran off too, waiting for him to emerge.

It was rather evident now that Erika was not like the average person. She was crude, goal focused... and borderline sociopathic. He realized that when she was basically unfazed by his attack. That thought alone made him want to jump back 10 feet. An enemy like this was the worst, because no matter the outcome, he wouldnt feel like he won. Killua didnt like how she caught onto things so quickly, either. She was smarter than she looked. And somehow, she loved to grasp the things he was most insecure about and using them over and over. He could feel his anxiety rising, a tight ball of overactive thoughts building up in his stomach. Illumi. Thats all he could think about. Illumi was the *exact* same as Erika, albeit more stoic and less aggressive. Their tactics were the same, though. Its like they were born knowing how to break someones mental stability- and he hated that. He didnt want anyone in his head, or poking at it, for that matter. Killua felt like his privacy was being breached. And it wasnt good that he felt that about a random girl who was just scared because he was an ex assassin.

He could feel the hatred for Erika boiling higher as he realized she was a bigger threat than she seemed. Killua didn't want to be thrown off mentally at all. He was worried that if he was, he would do something he didnt mean to. It was pretty exhausting to keep such a weak barrier around his mind all the time, but he wanted to do anything to maintain control. Of course, the situation with Erika was just making him closer and closer to his breaking point. Especially with the acid words she was spitting at him. Maybe the worst part was that he couldnt deny it. If anything, his reactions were proving her point. If he kept falling for each trap she set, there wouldn't be any more of him left. It really only took a few good words to bring him to this point, huh? That wasnt good in anyway. It made him feel way weaker, and stupid. Anyone could mess with him, couldn't they?

Killua knew it was his own fault. He basically put himself up for failure with his guilty conscience. And his feelings for Gon. He needed to somehow fake that Erika wasnt getting to him. He needed to put up an extra barrier, so she wouldnt keep putting salt in the wound. Luckily, as a trained assassin, he knew exactly how to do just that. It was basic to be able to shut off your emotions. It was especially useful if you had to kill someone, but your humanity kept leaping out. But Killua knew that he couldnt just go totally emotionless! Erika would simply have new fuel for her ridiculing. So, he did what he usually did. A fake facade. One that is completely unbothered, one that is comedic, one that isnt upset or anxious. 

He put his hands on the back of his head, and allowed Erika to walk away. He too went to a tree to lean against- the one directly across from hers. Killua sat down with a loud sigh, feigning a hint of annoyance. 

"Man! People like you sound like a broken record. I guess it makes sense for you to be braindead, too!" He looked at the now setting sun. They had been out all day, huh? He wanted to take Gon to admire it, but something told him he couldnt do that while Erika stayed here. "You know, my plan was super simple, but you still couldn't understand it.. not like i had high expectations for you, though. Its so pointless to argue with someone like you!" He smiled to himself, just admiring the scenery. The light that came down wasnt half bad either. A pinkish and orange tone settled over them like a nice blanket. Soon, Killua realized, it would be night. Maybe thats when he could take Gon out to see the view. Although, he doubted that Gon would be as thrilled to see it as much as watching the sun. After all, for the most part, the moonlight stayed one color. A cold, frosty white. It never changed. It never had a variety of tones and feelings. And when it did... it was due to the sun.

Erika simply chose not to respond. She got Killua worked up- thats exactly what she wanted. Although Killua wasn’t giving hints that were obvious to everyone about him being upset, he gave enough for Erika to realize. The new, sudden change in behavior was another clue. He went from being worked up and stepping on her, to playful, yet rude. It was clear- she really was fucking with his mind. Which was perfect, considering it was her intent. 

“You know i’m right. Gon should be back any moment now- so let’s play nice, alright?” She made direct eye contact with him, and yawned. Then, she broke the contact she initiated and glanced to where Gon ran off.


	10. Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gon comes back hehe

Gon had run off to some area in the woods- he didn’t actually have to pee, so he stood there for a few moments. He needed to calm down. What happened back there- Gon got so worked up because of Killua. The fact that Erika had witnessed any amount of it was absolutely unacceptable. It was so so so embarrassing!!!

Letting his head fall into his hands, Gon relaxed his body weight against a tree and sat down. Once again taking deep breaths, he tried to regain composure. He needed to be *normal*. Not some lovesick fool. Using whatever willpower he had, Freecss quickly tried to force himself into recovery. But, whenever he felt recovered he remembered the kiss, and the touch of Killua’s hands on his face. Wherever their bodies made contact tingling at the memory, and his face flushed red once again. 

“No! Come on Gon, get it together!” He scolded himself, knowing Killua wasn’t beside him to do it. Of course, that was Gons own doing. After the quick scolding, Gon couldn’t help but smile. Things were so good- he really was so happy. 

Standing up once again, Gon made his way back to where he and Killua had kissed multiple minutes beforehand. The first person he saw was Erika, whom he waved to. Then, he turned to look at Killua. A small blush crossed his cheeks, and he smiled at him. 

“Sorry about that! Killua, are you ready to train?” Erika scowled at the disclusion, but since Gin wasn’t facing her he couldn’t see. Gon had heard Killua say Erika was sitting out, so he was simply going with that. 

Freecss took one last deep breath, reassuring himself that he would be fine. No need for gay panicking or faggotry during training- it’ll be just like any other time they’ve trained. No change- it would be normal... right?

At first. Killua was relieved that the other didnt really respond to his taunting. He didn't want to hear any more of her words. They hurt him. She knew that much, too. Killua didnt know what he wanted from Erika. Maybe for her to lash out while Gon was around. But he didnt expect that ti happen. She was subtle, and like mentioned before, intelligent. Also, unlike Killua, she seemed to have a more stable mind. Or, at least, she knew how to protect herself better. Killua knew he couldnt do as much damage to her as she could to him. Hell. He knew basically nothing about her homelife, her past, or even what was going on with her right now. All he knew was that she was way too overprotective of Gon. And, for some reason, thought she was the one who got to decide who he should or shouldnt be around. In aspect, it was overall ridiculous. He was his friend for 4 years and counting, yet all of a sudden hes not worthy enough to be his friend? Obviously if he werent worthy enough, Gon wouldve realized, right? Either way, that didnt matter right now! He knew Gon did love him, and he also knew for a fact that Erika wouldnt be able to tear them apart.

He quietly watched Gon emerge from the same place he ran off to. Killua examined the look on Erika's face when Gon completely disregarded her. Good. He wanted her to be annoyed, and to know that she would *always* be one step below him. Gon loved Killua more, he could at least rely on that. Speaking of Gon.. the blush that came onto his face when they made eye contact was cute, to say the least. He knew that their first kiss had taken place not so long ago, so it would make sense to still be affected by it. Killua had different stuff on his mind, though. Due to Erika, he knew that he shouldnt let himself fall into a lovesick state while around other people. It would only make him distracted. Even worse, it could lead someone to target Gon instead of him. Killua smiled at his... boyfriend? Could he use that word?

He really hoped so.

Anyways, he smiled, and stood up. Training with just eachother wasnt very uncommon. They would usually turn it into something competitive, and the winner of the fight would get a prize of some sort. Killua loved to train with Gon. It was a nice way to spend time with him, and to get stuff off his mind. Of course, there was always an underlying fear that he would one day go too far and kill Gon. Just thinking about it made him feel a bit nauseous. Either way, there was no need to go all out during a training session, so the risk of death was usually close to none. Killua walked towards the other boy, but stopped a considerable amount away from him. Enough space to have an even start in the beginning of a fight. Speed was Killua's specialty, so he knew he would always have that advantage over Gon. But brute force was something he needed to work on. A thought sped by him, but he managed to catch it.

His specialty would help him run away.

Of course, thats not what he used it for. Being faster than your opponent, and being able to land the right hits, those are the key to victory. For Killua it was, at least. He took one yoyo from his pocket, and spun it nonchalantly. He usually would electrify it, since most of the time that was lethal to an enemy. He didnt want to do that to Gon, though. He did know that it wouldnt be enough to defeat him- Gon could handle a little electricity, but he knew it would hurt him. Instead, Killua would use it in its basic form. Easy enough.

"Of course im ready! I was waiting on *you*, stupid..." He laughed a little, and put a hand on his hip. "Are you ready to lose?"

Upon returning, Gon had to take immense control over his own thoughts. The kiss lingered in the air, and on his mind. It was strange how one romantic interaction could completely alter Gon's thought process. But, he knew he had to put it aside. No matter what, he was still himself. He wasn't going to let anyone or anything change his priorities- after all, he's known for being stubborn. It would be completely unlike him to just give up on any battle, even if it was one in his mind. He was now determined to keep composure- at least around people other than Killua. It was simply unnerving to think of people seeing him melt due to his.. boyfriend?s tactics. Gon was completely unsure if the boyfriend word was actually allowed yet, since he and Killua never got the chance to discuss what exactly they were. He made a mental note to himself to ask the Zoldyck about it later. 

When Killua smiled at him, Gon felt a large surge of joy. That smile that Killua gave him always filled his heart with warmth- this has been a thing since they met. Smiles weren't exactly common for Killua, so seeing them always felt like a special occasion. It also felt like Gon did something right- and in this instance, all he did was make eye contact with Killua. A smile from his moon felt like the highest of praise, and caused him to shine brighter than before. In a way, that kind of shit cycled. Gon, being the sun-like being he is, would shine brighter because of Killua. And Killua, being the moon he is, would reflect that light and shine in his own dark, mysterious way, which in turn caused Gon to shine even brighter. The two basically fueled each other, so it seemed. Which is why they always worked perfectly. 

Ever since the twos fates crossed, they pushed each other on. They were opposites, which made it so they meshed together perfectly. Every detail of Killua went along with Gons. Every difference they had.. it just made sense. There was no pair more perfect than the two.

They were flawless. Well, not flawless- but the way the worked together was flawless. The urged each other along, and they made each other stronger. Which is why training sessions were always successful. They knew how to push each other properly, without going too far, and without letting each other off easily. They somehow managed to always find the right balance, which is something they've been capable of doing for the four years they've been friends. So, when Killua approached for training, Gon knew that he had to get his head on straight. If he were to be distracted, Killua would easily be able to find more openings and kick his ass. And, those openings simply wouldn't exist if Gon was able to just stay focused on the task at hand. Distractions weren't an option. Training was a serious thing- it was needed to make both participants stronger. If they were to be distracted during training, they'd both be prone to mess ups, and they absolutely wouldn't improve. Which, in turn, defeats the whole purpose of training. 

Cracking his knuckles and then shaking out his hands, Gon set his mind into a state of seriousness. Well, not *completely* serious. If there was no leniency in the ordeal, neither parties would enjoy the situation at all. Fun and improvement were equally important. It would be straining on both of the boys if they treated it like it was the most serious and important thing ever. It would be draining, and they would easily lose their motivation. At least, that's how it was for Gon. He couldn't really attest for Killua, but he knew that if he and Killua went full out and went fully serious on each other, the damage would be unrepairable. In fact, it could even be lethal. They were both equally competitive, so that was commonly incorporated into the sessions.

Gon smiled, not really needing to get into any stance before the beginning of the battle. He watched Killua's yoyo, mentally noting to keep an eye on it. Gon knew that despite seeming normal, it was quite powerful when used right- and Killua knew damn well how to use it right. His eyes darted up and down, examining Killua. There was always a chance he had something else up his sleeve, or something else to watch out for. Being observant was extremely important. It was crucial to keep an eye on Killuas doings at all times. Gon was *not* about to lose to Killua, even if they were potentially dating now. 

"Oh come on, Kill! You know that I won't be losing! Speaking of.." Gon put a hand to his face, and tapped his foot. His grin faded, as he momentarily went into a bought of deep thought. "what should the loser have to do?"

Killua was always insecure about his friendship with Gon. He knew a lot of people were against it, that much was proven. Plus, he had the fear in himself that he would be the cause of their crumbling apart. For some reason, when he examined Gon's flaws, he could understand them. He could accept them. Nobody was perfect, Gon just was the closest to such. Killua didnt shame him for any imperfections, it just increased his love, if anything. For some reason, he couldnt bring himself to have the same openness towards himself. However, that was besides the point. He did know that there was a reason theyve been going strong for so many years now. Opposites attracted, and that statement was proven with them. His insecurities mostly stemmed from himself- his past, and his foretold future. Nevertheless, he was still proud of the bond he managed to form with a person so quickly. He didn't want to take all the credit, though. Gon was the people person. That was something that stood out about him in the first place. Needless to say.. Killua loved that about him.

Training, like was said before, helped the two gain strength. It was also in general a nice passtime. Since they knew eachother so well, it went smooth. Like two puzzle pieces. Made for eachother. Maybe that was too cheezy. It had to be, since Killua felt his heart flutter a bit at the thought. He never really incooperated romantic feelings into training, but that was mostly due to the fact that his mind was preoccupied. Gon was one to do things recklessly- a trial and error type of mindset. And while a thought process like that is horribly self deprecating.. the other person is in danger, too. It was his unpredictable fighting style that made it so fun to combat against though. Especially since half of the time Gon's plan wasnt built up enough, and Killua got to slip through the cracks and beat him up a little. Not to mention the ego boost that came along with it.

Given the question, Killua went to thinking as well. What *should* the loser do? It was hard to make up a new challenge every time they trained, since it was so often. Sometimes, stuff got recycled. He needed to think of something that would bring him amusement and joy if he won, but not too much sufferage if he lost. Thats how you make a good bet. He tapped his chin, humming a little whilst he thought. Something came to him. He still wanted to take Gon to sightsee... but Erika would still come along. Especially since she was so uptight about him spending time with Gon. No, he wanted actual, safe alonetime with the boy. He was excited for something like that. Of course, he would always stare at Gon with awe, and love, and all the feelings he harbored for him. This was even more evident when they werent busy with anything. Maybe.. he would catch Gon doing the same? And he would know that the feeling was mutual. Were they dating? He'd find out eventually.

"Hmm... I know! The loser has to do whatever the winner says for an hour straight. Thats pretty fair." He smiled to himself, a more cocky one than earlier. "Ill have fun bossing you around! Ready? Start!" And with that, he threw his yoyo towards Gon's legs, trying to tie them together.


	11. Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they train

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we chose to skip over writing most of the fight bcuz i am bad at writing combat

Unlike Killua, Gon had almost never experienced insecurities regarding their friendship. He was always completely and entirely sure that things would be fine- there was never any indication that their friendship would actually fall apart or come to an end. He had heard people say that things would inevitably crash down, but he simply chose not to listen. Especially since the fingers were almost always pointed at Killua. He didn't usually hear much of it, so Gon really had no clue how often it was pushed onto Killua that things would end. If Gon knew about all of this pressure, he would probably act and do something. But, alas, he was completely and utterly unaware of the situation around him. He was never able to tell how others felt about the people around him- that was something he was cursed with. So, he simply assumed that the people he surrounded himself with were liked, until proven otherwise. And since Erika never outwardly expressed her disliking of Kill around Gon, he was rendered clueless. It was obvious how his boyfriend felt about the girl, so at least he had that amount of information. 

As mentioned, Gon was known for his outgoing personality. He managed to get along with almost anyone he came across- only a select few getting on his bad side. And even then, it was rare for Gon to reflect any ill intent onto those he managed not to get along with. Of course, he had a select few that he *really* didn't like. But that wasn't entirely important. Gon cherished his friends, and all the ones he's made along his journeys. But it's not like he truly kept in touch with them, or anything. The only people he's had really stay were Leorio, Kurapika, and... Killua. Out of everyone, Killua was always the one he was closest with. It was always Killua that Gon found himself drawn to. It was nice to finally understand one of the reasons why. 

Love.

Gon is very much in love with Killua, and enthralled by everything he does. When he moves, or speaks, or even does the simple act of breathing, Gon can't help but feel entranced by it. And that's why throughout training, Gon kept messing up. While trying to combat Killuas attacks, Gon would find himself very much.. distracted. His eyes would wander to simply admire Killua. A lot of the time, Freecss would find himself looking at Killua's face. It was quite embarrassing, especially since when he would do so he would only be thrown down. Erika was watching- this was her first time witnessing a training session, so that made it worse. Gon was usually *really* good at this. His and Kill's skills usually even out, and they both have a hard time beating each other. But, this time was different. He was a mess- a lovesick, distracted mess. Which would be fine if he was alone, in the comfort of his own room. But not here, and not now. There were more important things happening, and he simply couldn't give them the attention needed. The teenager found himself losing, and he couldn't find a way to stop it. His thoughts were uncontrollable, and he couldn't get himself back on track. 

So Gon lost. 

Sitting on the ground, Gon rubbed his head. He was pretty roughed up at this point. The sun was almost completely down, and Erika had fallen asleep by the tree- so, in theory, if Killua ordered Gon to leave her, they could without her freaking out. A soft sigh came from Gon, and he looked up at the sky. It was plagued by darkness, the only light coming from the horizon. There were stars alit in the air, their glow bright. The moon was surfaced, too, sitting at a solid waning gibbous. It was beautiful, although most of it was clouded out by the trees. If they weren't in the middle of the forest, it would be perfect for sightseeing. Gon smiled, thinking of laying beneath the star shrouded night beside Killua. It seemed.. pleasant.

Something they've done before, obviously, but something he'd love to do again.

"Awe man.. I lost. I guess that means I have to do what you say, huh?" There was a vague hint of disappointment in Gon's voice, but he actually wasn't too displeased. Gon trusted Killua enough, and didn't expect to be directed to do anything too bad. As always, Gon had full faith in Killua. He would never be more comfortable with anyone else. They were perfect for each other. That was obvious. The thought of that made Gon flush a small bit, and caused him to wonder what Kurapika and Leorio thought of the ordeal. They never voiced any disapproval of the two when they were friends- in fact, the four of them were a crew in itself. Maybe they knew about the feelings beforehand? And if they did, for how long..? Gon made a mental note to check in with them about that later. Oh! And!

"Killua.. am I allowed to call you my boyfriend?" Gon voiced this thought that added to his distractions during training, a look of genuine curiosity on his face. Might as well ask now than wait in confusion.

As the training went on, Killua noticed something was off. It was hard not to. Gon was reckless and sometimes clumsy, sure, but this was on another level. He knew that the advantage he had was false, it was unfair. Still, he continued. Not because he liked to beat Gon up- it wasnt completely one sided- but he *did*want to take the boy somewhere. And as time went on, Killua noticed Erika losing interest and eventually falling asleep. That was good, and honestly, he was relieved. That girl brought him too much stress for his own good. Anyways, training was over, and Killua grabbed a water bottle from his bag, and drank from it. He didnt really break a sweat during the fight, but he figured he shouldn't rub in his win. Especially since something was upsetting Gon in some way. He may be cocky, but he wasnt going to be rude. Not to Gon, anyways. The sky was darker than before, the moon slowly making itself visible. Huh. That was nice. The training session didnt seem that long, but obviously it sucked out the golden daylight. A shame, for most people. They appreciated light when it bathed everything in such a nice shade. To be fair, he did too, but not as much as the whiter light that was making its way through the leaves of the trees. He breathed in the breeze, glad he could stare at the main object in the sky without squinting. Full appreciation. 

Gon didnt let the silence last forever. That was expected.. Killia knew the other couldnt sit still for the most part. He acknowledged that hyperactiveness, and didnt shame Gon for it. To be honest, it was cute. It gave him some energy as well. Simply being in Gon's presence seemed to recharge him, honestly. Killua nodded at the first sentence, and was going to respond before Gon cut him off. He stood there for a moment, processing, then, there was shock. Who asks a question like that so randomly? Granted, it wasnt exactly *random*... but the context wasnt right!

They had just got done training. Couldnt Gon have waited until Killua announced what he had to do? Now, he looked at the other in silence. It was a good question, and the answer was simple. Though, he glanced back at Erika. Sure, she had been sound asleep for awhile, but he remembered the promise he made to himself. No more getting vulnerable like this around enemies. Gon would understand, he knew. So, instead, he walked closer, and took ahold of the boy's hands. Killua helped him up, but still held one of Gon's hand. He started to walk towards the park again, although turned to a clearing meant for picnics. He put his free hand in his pocket, and looked up at the moon. Then, sighed. He felt safe now, being so far away from other people. Just him and his soulmate. It felt natural, and he loved it. He allowed himself, now, to feel flustered. He let go of Gons hand, and put that one in a pocket too. He stood infront of the boy, silent for a few moments as he gathered his words.

"You know, ive wanted to ask that too," Killua started off, and looked away. "I'd really like it if you called me that, yeah..." He put his hands on Gon's shoulders, and gripped tightly. "Okay. Now, you and i are gonna stay here for a bit, got it, loser?" Killua smiled, and flicked the other's forehead. "Seriously! Its like you wanted to lose! What was that!!!" He laughed, liking to tease the other a bit. "I dont mind though. Ive been wanted to talk with you alone since we got here."

The fight was overall quite pathetic. That was known fact between the two of the boys. Shared knowledge was something else it could be referred to. Gon was indeed quite embarrassed about it, but it wasn't displayed on the outside. It was more so an internal type of shame, but that wasn't likely to last long. Especially since in the aftermath of a practice, things were discussed at least a little bit. Gon was able to tell that Killua wasn't even putting much in to the fight- it was actually quite obvious. The only one who actually broke a sweat during the ordeal was Gon himself, despite being unable to win. He was pretty sure that Killua would bring up the strange behavior and the lack of concentration soon. It only seemed inevitable.


	12. Rendezvous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first date but they probably dont consider it a date

Gon smiled as Killua approached, and held out his hands. They had been friends for quite a while, so it was easy to read the others intentions. And clearly, the intent was to help Gon stand. The dark haired boy let himself be hoisted onto his feet by his partner, and quickly regains his footing. Admittedly, he was quite worn out from the battle. Which was quite surprising, but most of the strain came from mental work. Anyone who knows Gon knows for sure that thinking wasn't exactly his strong suit. Of course, he was *capable* of thinking, it just burnt him out sometimes.

The teenager had expected for Killua to drop both of his hands, but that was not the case. Instead, one of Gons hands remained in Killuas, and he was dragged along to a picnic area. Gon wanted to protest about leaving Erika behind, but he felt as if it would be really bad timing. He would be sure to apologize to her later, and explain what happened. Being dragged away by a potential lover wasn't exactly the best excuse in the world, but Gon could only hope that Erika would be understanding. When they paused in the clearing, Gon looked at Killua, making eye contact. Gons now free hand found itself clasped itself into the other free hand behind his back. As Killua spoke, Gon took note of how flustered the other boy was. It was absolutely adorable. The way he spoke with hesitation, and the way he couldn't keep eye contact.. it was wonderful to witness. Gon felt the butterflies arise again, and he couldn't help but look at the ground for a moment. 

"Well! I guess you're boyfriend now!" Gon looked up again, the words of the other dwelling on his mind. The curiosity of their state of relationship was shared, which made Gon feel quite happy. It meant that they both cared about the turnout of things- or at least, that's how Gon interpreted it. Whatever it really meant, if it had any significant meaning at all, it made Gon feel good, and that was what mattered. What also mattered was that the two of them were officially a couple. Which is absolutely wonderful. 

At the contact on his shoulders, Gon picked his head up once again to return eye contact with his boyfriend. At the order, Gon nodded.  
Well, he nodded until Killua flicked his forehead- he then shut his eyes and shook his head a small amount, frowning momentarily. But the frown quickly left once he saw the smile on Killua's face- it was a rare sighty to anyone but Gon, yet it was one of the best things Gon has ever seen. He nodded yet again, returning the smile.

"Sorry about the fight- I was really distracted.It's not like I *wanted* to lose, I really just couldn't focus! But.. Maybe losing wasn't so bad? Now we can look at the stars together, so it all works out!" He cheered, grabbing Killues hand and dragging them to a patch of grass. Quickly, he released Kils hand and dropped onto the ground, gazing at the sky. 

"Come lay down, Killua. The sky is so pretty!"

Killua knew he was easy to fluster. After years of isolation, and barely any actual interactions with people that werent his family- he was very weak in that department. As he thought more about it, it seemed like him being confined to his home was the main cause of his mentality being so fragile. Of course, he was trained to endure every single type of physical pain. Only physical. Dealing with yourself, inner conflict and conflict from others was basically ignored. If anything, resistance was beaten out, having to have full loyalty to your family. Obviously, his family knew that he was different. Maybe thats why he got cracked down on so much.. they were trying desperately to stop the inevitable. Either way, looking back on a situation wouldnt do anything. He knew that all it would accomplish is making him feel worse. Yeah, it felt unfair, but.. when he looked at Gon, he knew that he was the actual lucky one. He managed to find love, and to keep it. When he heard the word, "boyfriend", once again come out of the other's mouth, he felt ecstatic. Him. He was the boyfriend. HE, Killua Zoldyck, was dating Gon Freeccss. It was a proud feeling, no matter how emotional it made him.

He watched as Gon eagerly replied, defending himself and apologizing. Killua wasnt really paying too much attention though. He couldnt get his mind off of the fact that their relationship was now official. No hiding his feelings, and no close calls where he flushed and felt his heart racing and heard his blood in his ears and no way to hide himself or run away. He knew Gon didnt experience love the same way he did. In fact, he wondered if everyone had different ways of feeling and expressing love. He never put much thought into it before, but it was completely plausible.

Killua was snapped out of his thoughts when Gon grabbed his hand and dragged him away. Although he had just done this to him earlier, he was hyperfocused on everything about his boyfriend. Gon's grip was so secure. Not too tight where it hurt to hold hands, but Killua knew he wasnt going anywhere. He enjoyed that comfort. He continued to watch as Gon laid on the grass, and invited him to do the same. Killua stood there for a moment, almost frozen due to shock. But why? They kissed earlier, and yet here he was, standing like an idiot because he couldnt handle a simple bit of contact.

The stars were pretty, though. The moon was in bloom too. Either way, very beautiful. He appreciated the scenery a lot, even though it looked so simple. And honestly, it was extremely calming. Killua sat down beside Gon, and eventually laid back, propping his head up with his arms behind his head. In silence, he sat, not sure what to say at all. Especially since he hadnt really planned anything out. Nervously, his glance shifted between the night sky and Gon's face, which was illuminated by the moonlight. He saw the sparkle in the other's eyes, and it felt like he couldnt breathe. Like someone just kicked him in the stomach, and he needed to vomit. Killua instead turned away, and softly put a hand over his mouth. He closed his eyes, and breathed slowly. A reaction this strong was uncommon, so he would be lying if he said it caught him offguard. He didnt know why his body reacted like this, and found it kind of annoying. Yes, he admired and loved Gon, but he didnt want such an extreme reaction just because he saw something pretty. Killua swallowed, and went back to staring at the sky.

He was so happy today, he realized. He probably wouldnt ever forget it. Unfortunate, due to Erika being present, but either way.. it was important. Killua tried another adventurous glance at his boyfriend, and realized their distance. He had laid down a little to far away from Gon.

It irked him. So, slowly, he scooted closer to him. It was embarrassing and painfully obvious, but he had no other way of getting closer. Maybe Gon wouldnt notice. He was kind of dense. Killua went back to stargazing, and he realized that he was completely unguarded. This time, he knew they weren't around any threats. He took his time to sort through his feelings. Usually in any situation, he was stressed, with or without Gon. It was simply due to his training, he assumed, and tried to ignore it. Now, though, he couldnt feel any of that hesitance or anxiety. He was completely at peace. Completely. That was, in short, a miracle. Killua didnt know how relieved someone could be.

"How long do you think thisll last?" He voiced, abruptly. Killua sighed audibly, deciding not to hold back. "Our relationship. The peace. Its gonna end eventually, isnt it? What do we do then?"


	13. comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mmm gon shuts down killuas anxiety

Gon and Killua had both grown up in isolation, although they were very different forms of such. Gon grew up on an island, without much use of technology, and no way to truly learn about human interaction. There were the island folk, of course, but it didn't really give him the understanding of emotions or the modern world that he would've gotten if he were a member of city life. Killua on the other hand, grew up in a family of assassins. He wasn't allowed to learn about feelings, and he was hardworking and focused on his training. They both ended up with the result of a lack of understanding on emotion. But even then, that similarity was different. Gon did have some sort of understanding- but he didn't have much experience. At least, not much. All of his experience shouldn't really count. Killua had experience with seeing peoples emotions, most likely, but didn't quite understand how to *deal* with the emotion. So Killua could recognize his feelings, while Gon would be oblivious. Simply put: this was new territory for the both of them. Sort of. Gon, at least, didn't really know what he was doing. He was pretty unsure if Killua knew how to do the whole romance thing, but it was safe to assume he had no experience in the matter. After all, they had talked about it before- and Killua had said he'd never been on a date before. Gon had been on multiple- maybe he could even take Killua on one? The idea of doing such made Gon hum quietly in delight. It would be nice to take Killua out. 

Gon didn't want to stare, but he couldn't help but watch Killua patiently. Once Kil sat down, Gon immediately realized the distance they had between them. Gon was okay with lack of contact or close boundaries- he was actually quite used to it. The two had never reallly been the touchy type. That's always how it has been. All that was really needed was for them to be around each other or in communication- whether they were in extremely close proximity or not.  
Of course, Gon would love for Killua to be close. He didn't need it, but it was still enjoyable. When Killua started scooting over, Gon couldn't suppress his laugh. At least, not enough. A small chuckle came from him, which resulted in him slapping his hand ove rhis mouth to hold it back. 

Gon examined the boy beside him, taking note of the way Killuas hair and eyes glistened in the moonlight. It was like the night sky was made solely for Killua, and solely to accentuate his features. The white light really did make Kil's hair glow, and it genuinely looked so soft. It took a lot of self restraint to not touch it. It just looked.. so cloud like. On the topic of clouds, there wasn't a single one in the slky. There were just stars, blossomed in the darkness the sky held, and the glistening moon which reflected the suns light. The stars were bright, contrasting the black background that was around them. It was simply... beautiful. But that wasn't the focus. The focus was the one Gon was looking at- and, his love language being affirmation, he couldn't just *not* say anything. 

"You look so pretty, Kil.." Saying the nickname felt strange, so Gon slurred out the last consonant, and finished the name. "..lua" It almost felt *wrong* to refer to his boyfriend as such. It was never really something he did, and he was very unsure as to whether or not Killua was okay with it, and if he was allowed to use it, nonetheless. 

Then the words came.  
*"How long do you think this'll last?"* 

The words echoed in Gon's brain for a moment. Way to be a downer! He tried to process them, a small bout of anxiety overcoming him. Did Killua really not expect things to work out> If hope couldn't be had by both people in the relationship, would it be able to withstand whatever may come in the future? No.. Gon wouldn't let that hapen! Killua was really great at believing in the worst- and Freecss was good at believing in the best. So, he simply is choosing not to let Killua's negativity ruin a good moment.

"A long time." He said surely, sliding his hand onto the others hand. "I really do believe in us, and you should, too." Gon beamed at the other, rubbing his thumb lightly on the back of Killua's hand. Nothing could ever go wrong.

Sometimes, Killua would wonder why he liked Gon. Not a serious thing- he would always love the other- but in retrospect, why does he? His whole life he had been surrounded in pitch black darkness. Evil. He had no exposure from his family that related to human decency. He was tortured and held up to an incredibly high standard. So, in theory, he would dislike anything that wasnt that. He didnt know how to handle kindness and genuine, honest emotions. Still, against all odds, he ended up falling in love with the person that was the exact opposite of him. Killua thought about how his family said he was different, and thats why he was supposed to be the next head of the family. He didnt understand until he fully realized the extent of his feelings. He felt more than his family members. That, or he was simply more open to change. Either way... Killua resented it. He knew it would be easier to care about nothing, and to live life as a tool. And as much as he hated to admit it.. He was happier whenever he was still an assassin. Not happier in the way that love has improved him; but he would be protected by the hardships friends had brought him.

Still, even though he hated his ability to feel, he loved it at the same time. Killua felt his heart skip a beat when he was complimented. He didnt have much time to contemplate it, but he could still hear his heart in his ears when Gon grabbed onto his hand. Killua heard him clearly; He could tell the tone of determination was final. Gon was very serious about what he was saying, that much was obvious. Killua squeezed his hand, and looked at the grass they were sitting on. He used his free hand and raked his fingers through it. It was soft, and the smell was strong. Droplets of water transferred onto his hands, and in the places he didnt wipe the water from were shining in the moonlight. Killua looked back at the other, and smiled. Not a strong one, or a bright one, or one that would make anyone looking at it instantly happier.  
Just a smile the moon would make.

"Oh, uh, yeah...," Killua stuttered out, embarrassment building up in him. He knew what he was was.. negative. He didnt know why he decided to blurt it out, all it did was make him seem unconfident. Maybe he was, in himself. Still, Killua wanted Gon to know that he wasnt going to flake out of this relationship. Sure, it scared him, and sometimes that caused him to run away, but he was determined to not be a coward. Not this time. And, definitely not to Gon. He felt shivers crawl up his arm as Gon's thumb rubbed against the back of his hand. He let out a small sigh, and proceeded to scoot closer. "Sorry. I know, i believe in us too. I think its just a bit new." Killua then rested his head on Gon's shoulder. He felt.. stiff. Awkward, but not uncomfortable to where he wanted to move. Romantic things *were* uncommon, and he knew he wasnt the best at them. He could try though, right?

"I love you." He muttered softly. It was almost a whisper, and he felt warm after he said it. Killua wanted to make it known, though. That in this moment, he was just enjoying being with Gon, and being in his presence. It was frustrating since most of the time he honestly couldnt put his feelings into words. He would lock up, get too flustered or angry, and have to depend on his actions to carry out what he felt. Either way... he stopped after saying those three words. He was content with that, and being so close. The breeze blew past once more, and it was like his words were swept away with it. Hopefully the meaning- and the feeling- stayed.

Gon was a light, a sun, an orb full of brightness beyond most peoples comprehension. He was positive, stubborn, determined, and optimistic. Whomever had the honor of crossing paths with this mysterious, lighthearted being, was automatically considered blessed. Unless, of course, they were considered one of this boy's foes- then they would be in for a horrific, agonizing time. But, most typically, they were acquaintances or friends. Those who were graced with Gon Freecss' presence were fortunate. Killua was no exception. The boy of darkness, mystery, and pessimism was helplessly drawn to the other boy, like a moth naturally travels to light. And Gon, too, was drawn to Killua. There was no true explanation- it was qute hard to understand. Such a bright, kind person, somehow found himself infatuated with a being who grew around malice and violence. Perhaps, this was a result of Gon's own self. After all, Killua was the opposite of the bright orb that was Freecss. The differences between the two meshed them together, and made them furthermore attracted to one another. Every detail and trait they had contradicted, which further drove them to getting along, and becoming what would could only be described as soulmates.

Gon loved the way Killua smiled, and the way his eyes would shut as he did so. It was a sight rarer than a glimmer of a comet in the sky, or at least that's how it came off. But around the dark haired teenager, Killua softened. He relaxed more, letting himself smile and blush in front of the other- at least, that's how it came off to Gon. No matter what the true reasoning was, it was enjoyable. The smile from someone who, circumstantially should be incapable of doing so, was probably one of the best things that could be perceived. Gon also adored the way Killua's blue eyes would light up when passionate or joyful. Or the way they would glisten in the light. Or when they simply just existed- they were beautiful, forever and always.

Simply put, Gon was in love with Killua. For everything he is, and for everything he ever will become. They were perfect for eachother- there's no way this could go wrong.. right?

The contact the two shared with their hands was tender, and warm. And the small smile on Killua's face was tender as well, and enough to make Gon feel as if this was where he belonged. In the moonlight, hand in hand with his lover. Although Gon wasn't the one to write soliloquies of love, and build cathedrals through words, he so desperately wished that he could explain how beautiful Killua looked. In this moonlight, he was radiant. This type of day was made for the Zoldyck, and Freecss felt blessed to share the nightfall with him. 

The words uttered out of Killua were soft spoken, and came out in the form of a stutter. It was quite obvious that the other felt embarrassed, but it wasn't that big of a deal. This was typical behavior for Kil, and both he and Gon were quite aware of that, it seemed. At the sudden approach, Gon felt his own mouth curve into a sheepish smile. And when the head fell on his shoulder, he felt his heart beat faster. Killua was right- this *is* new. That's why the feel of hesitation and uncertainty clouded the air, and the actions of the other. Neither of them wanted things to end badly, that was for sure. But the fear that it would happen was so immense, that it only made sense for it to come up. Gon really wasn't offended by the doubt, but it was a little saddening. Understandable, of course, but upsetting nonetheless. He really didn't let it bother him too much, though.

Gon rested his head onto Killuas, taking a deep breath as to calm the flustered melody that was his heartbeat. His body relaxed, and he wrapped one of his arms around Killua. It felt natural to do so. There was an underlying fear that it would be taken badly, but Gon knew Killua well enough to know that wouldn't happen. They're boyfriends- boyfriends do this type of shit.  
At least- in Gon's weird old woman experience- this is what relationships are like. He never *really* had a relationship- but dates were an area he had some form of expertise in. But this was different.. this was Killua Zoldyck, the boy who quit being an assassin and pissed off his whole family just to be with Gon- not just a random old lady back on his home island. The most Gon could do was hope he was doing things right. 

With a smile, Gon felt a blush come to his face. The words Killua spoke meant the whole world to him. It was only three simple words, but the weight it carried was tremendous. Especially when it came from Killua. He wasn't always the best with emotions, so knowing that he could say that obviously made it true. Gon took the words to heart, and intended to carry them with him forever. 

"I love you too, Killua.”


End file.
